Nerdy Monday 23: A Tribute to the Sega flops.

There are some video game systems sought after by collectors now for being huge failures.  There are many, but I’m going to focus on the 3 that I’ve had the most contact with.  So let’s get right down to it with…

The Sega Saturn:

Flop.

This system made its debut back in 1995, and was discontinued 3 short, disappointing years later.  It was hugely popular in Japan, but never reached anything substantial in America because of the debut of the Sony Playstation, and one of my personal all time favorites, the Nintendo 64.  It came out as a 32-bit system, which was pretty cool at the time, I guess, but it took too long to develop, and Nintendo’s N64 was released in 1996 with DOUBLE THE BITS! Therefore twice the graphics.  I mean, the Sony Playstation was released a year before the Saturn as a 32-bit system and somehow that even looked a lot better on screen.  not to mention the controls were more fluid, and the games were a lot more enjoyable.  Speaking of controls…

What the hell is this?!

I bought my Saturn on eBay for $3.24 with $3.00 shipping.  It came with all the hook-ups, a controller, and a game.  And I still believe to this day I got ripped off.  The games are shoddy at best, and it just makes me want to play something that at least has some semblance of a video game.

Rating: -3 Stars.  Horrible.

The Sega 32x:

How do you turn a 16-bit system into a 32-bit system?  You build an add on for it that makes no sense whatsoever!  The 32x plugs into the top of a Sega Genesis as if it were a game.  Then you have to run a special cable from the back of the Genesis to the back of the 32x.  THEN you have to run an a/v cable from the 32x to the TV, and STILL the 32x has it’s own ac adapter that has to be plugged into the wall.  The Genesis also has to be plugged in.  Why so many cables?  This should have been its own system.  I think James Rolfe explains it best, please give this video a watch:

Rating: One half star.  There may have been one or two cool games.

The Sega Dreamcast:

Okay, this one wasn’t really a flop.  In fact it has its own cult-like following and is getting more and more home made or “homebrewed” games on it every week.  Check out http://www.dcisozone.com to see if I’m lying.  I love this system and the many, many games it has on it. It’s fabulous, and worth every penny of the $20 (or so) you’ll spend on it.  And the games that you download and burn are perfectly legal to (or so I’ve heard, I am not liable for what you do) burn.  Sega isn’t making any money on it.. no one is making any money on it anymore, so why would anyone care?

Rating: 4 Stars, shouldn’t have been a flop.

The Sega CD:

Remember this thing?  How awful was it?  See how fast it takes you to download an emulator for this system in its entirety, and tell me it isn’t a pile of poop.  At the time, it was innovative and made it able to have movies segway from one scene in the game to the next instead of a series of text boxes.  That didn’t make the games any better though.  Like all of the other Sega flops, namely the Saturn, the controls were crappy, and it made you want to maim yourself with your controller… or at the very least strangle someone else with the cord.

This is the abomination you had if you had both the 32x and the CD attachment.

Rating:  -1 Star… it doubled as a CD player!

Overall though, Sega is still a widely successful company, even if Nintendo had to put them in their place back around 1999 or so.  It remains to be the biggest 3rd party contractor to Nintendo and comes up with almost half of the 3rd party designed games.  Way to go Sega…  I hope you jump back into the hardware market soon!

 

There will be another installment of flops, next week.

The jester.

 

*All images and videos are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.  All videos obtained through Youtube Search.*

Top 10 Tuesdays 14: For Them Sick People Out There

It’s that time of year again.  Everyone at my day job either has been or is now sick.  Same thing goes for the people at my night job, my weekend job, everyone I tutor, and everyone I meet.  Except for me, of course.  My immune system is one of the parts of my body that is actually more awesome than I am.

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to give you some suggestions as to how to spend the time off you’re inevitably going to take at the slightest tickle in your throat.  Therefore, let’s get right down to brass tax with:

The Top 10 Video Games To Play When You’re Sick

#10.  Virtua Cop  (Sega Saturn)

You’re already in a crappy mood.  You may as well try and play a crappy game on a crappy system.  Playing this game with a normal controller is horrible, and I’m guessing playing with a light gun controller isn’t very much better.  And finding a plot in this game is harder than finding a pulse a palm tree.  But it’s worth checking out.  And I think I got my copy for $1.00 including shipping.

#9.  Bubsy II  (Sega Genesis)

This is a silly, childish, “feel-good” kind of game that most people would consider a “kiddy-game” but it’s still awesome.  I could go on for pages and pages about all the different quirky little things involved with this game that are enjoyable.  But I don’t have time, because this is just a top 10 list.  Consider this one chicken soup for your video game itch.

#8.  Aladdin  (Sega Genesis)

My mom used to really get into this game, so i don’t know how well this one will work for everyone, but for me it’s a comfort game.  So if you miss your mommy, or she isn’t there for one reason or another, to take care of you, this is the game to play.

#7.  Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen  (PS2)

There is never a bad time to play this game.  Optimus Prime’s butt-kicking ability mixed with the other characters special moves that you get to play will have you feeling like you can take on the world again in no time!  Definitely worth checking out.. I think I paid about $6.00 for my copy, and it is well worth the investment!

#6.  Mario 64  (N64)

This is a great overall game that used to take weeks out of our respective schedules to beat.  Now you can get it done if you can manage to get 2, possibly 3 days off from work/school.  Plus it’s good to play this game to the point where you can beat it, if only to have it under your belt.

#5.  Speed Devils  (DC)

You can definitely beat this game if you aren’t sick enough to get more than one day off.  There’s a glitch you can use that will help you out.  The most expensive car is $200,000.  The one next to it in the showroom is $20,000.  Once you save up the 20 grand, look at the car that you can afford with it, then if you switch to the $200,000 car (I think it’s called the Mystere) and hit “A” to purchase it as quickly as possible before the new price shows up on the screen.  If you do it correctly, you buy the $200,000 car for 1/10th the price.  It’s also the fastest car that will ensure you win every race.  Check it out.  With or without the glitch it’s a fun and enjoyable game to play.  I think the Dreamcast in general is that way, and they all are very cheap, and as I’ve mentioned before, the games are practically free.  So considering what you pay for ir, the Dreamcast will probably give any collector the most bang for their buck.

#4.  Kid Chameleon  (Sega Genesis)

This is a really great game.  I think it’s one of the hidden gems in the Sega library.  It’s kind of tricky, and just a little bit weird.  I forget what the plot is, but there is one there.  They call him Kid Chameleon because you can run around and get different suits that change you into different things.  There’s one that turns you into Jason (from the Friday the 13th  movie franchise), there’s a Samurai suit, and my favorite (which you don’t get until about the 6th level) suit that turns you into a tank.  There’s 35 (?) I think different suits in all and there are about 5 different suits in each level.  It’s fun running around and just seeing what the suits can do.  It’s even more fun finding your favorite one and dominating the entire game with it!  It’s an average of $4.00 on eBay, or you can get it for the Nintendo Wii’s Virtual Console for 500 points (or $5.00).

#3.  Cubivore  (Game Cube)

I don’t know where to start with this one.  It’s cute, it’s crafty, it’s enjoyable, and it’s just great.  It’s easy to slip into a game like this and find yourself in a trance, trying to get farther and farther into it.  Look at this video, it’s long but it’ll give you a good feel for the game:

Great, right?  It’s a little different, and you can tell that this is not a cookie-cutter game.  That’s why I like it so much!  For just about every popular or trendy game out there you can name, I can retort with at least 10 games that are at least 90% the same.  How many games have you played like Cubivore?  One… and that’s only if you’ve played Cubivore.  It’s worth checking out, and it’s colorful, and a little complex.  At the very least, it’ll make your NyQuil trip pretty interesting.

#2.  Virtual Hydlyde  (Sega Saturn)

This game is friggin’ weird.  It’s perfect for playing while you’re under the weather.  It’s impossible to get bored with.  The map is randomly generated, and it’s so terrible it’s great.  It’s also so great it’s terrible.  You can Youtube some of the game play on this game.. but I won’t dare link it onto this article.  I have not only a moral, but an ethical problem with that.  It’s unspeakably horrible.  Playing this game while you’re ill will be best if you take lots of breaks to puke.  …because you’re sick.  Oh and because the game sucks too.

#1.  Dr. Mario  (NES)

This is a classic, simple, easy, feel-good game.  It’s not considered a “true Mario” game because there are no pipes, no raccoon tails, no fire flowers, no koopas, and no goombas.  It’s a tetris-esque knock off with Mario thrown in to boost the sales numbers.  It’s very worth it, and the best part is it’s beatable even if you’re sick as a dog.

There’s my rundown of how you should spend your sick time.  Anything else is a waste of time.  So instead of heading to the pharmacy aisle of your local grocery store, head to gamestop instead.

See you there.

The Jester.

*All images and videos are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google image search. All videos obtained through Youtube search.*

Nerdy Monday 20: Transformers (2007)

I’ve been thinking about how to set up this nerdy Monday post for a while now.  I batted it around, chewed it up, all that jazz, but I think I’m just going to dive right in.

I’m going to be talking about the first Transformers move directed by Michael Bay.  Before the movie came out in 2007, the only other Transformers movie there was, was the full-length animated 1984 installment entitled Transformers: The Movie.

I remember the opening day of the movie.  I went to the midnight sneak preview of the movie here in town.  And let me just be clear about this, in my small corner of the world, movie theatres are never ever at risk of selling every seat in the house.  But this night, it was a packed house.  I had to get there more than an hour early to get a mediocre seat.  I don’t know how to explain it, but in the theatre that night, the air was electric.  Everyone was dressed up somehow in a Transformer’s tee-shirt, a few of them brought some action figures, one guy had boots on that looked like Optimus Prime’s feet!

I remember vividly the shock and awe, and the uncontrollable yelling and applause when Optimus first came on the screen.  I remember the same thing happening when all the transformers, and the 2 main characters of the movie gathered in that alley and all of the Transformers started changing into their robot-form.  It looked awesome, it looked detailed, and it looked like it could be real.  It could have been happening right in front of us in real life, and we (the audience)  couldn’t be more excited!

As I looked around the room, I noticed that everyone was right around my age.  I was born less than one year after the pilot episode of the Transformers aired.  So I literally grew up with all the characters from that show.  I wish I still had all of the toys, comic books, and VHS tapes I recorded the show onto.  It would be a treasure trove of awesome nostalgic memorabilia.  And we all (I know I was) had been waiting for this movie to be made for a long time.

That same feeling came back to me when that movie was released on DVD/Blu-Ray and put on the Wal-Mart shelves.  Again, I showed up at midnight, and waited eagerly for the stock boy to bring the palate jack out with the Transformers movie display on it.  I waited along side 2 or 3 dozen other people all wearing Transformers shirts.. and the guy with the Optimus boots was there too.  It was odd, I know, but it’s the truth.

Michael Bay is looked down upon by a few critics, but I think he did an awesome job with this movie.  He knew how sentimental the fan base was, and did not disappoint.  I don’t care that everyone says he has too many explosions in his movies.  Or how he has too many jump-cuts to different scenes, or the whole Armageddon fiasco he was made fun of for.  He took the Transformers and made something cool, even cooler.  Bay even received an award from the man who created the Transformers AND the CEO of Hasbro (the company that makes/licenses the Transformer toys) for being humble, noble, and staying true to the morals upheld By the Transformers.  Yes, he was that serious.  [If you bought the special edition DVD with the bonus features on it, you'd know that already].

So not only did this pretty much make Michael Bay a pop culture icon, as well as a household name, it launched Megan Fox’s career.

Thank you Transformers. And Michael Bay.

 

Sure she’s done some crappy movies in between the filming of the Transformers/Bay movie franchise.  Seriously, what was that whole Jennifer’s Body supposed to be?  But no one is watching her for.. well, I think we all know what people watch her movies for.

Shia Lebeouf is also in the movie, he’s the star, or something.  I don’t know, I think the people who did the voices of the robots should have been cast about Shia.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Shia.. I actually watched him back in the day when he was on the Disney Channel show, Even Stevens. I think he’s hilarious!  It just seemed a little off to me when he was cast as Sam Witwicky in Transformers, only because it’s a more dramatic role.  It was different at first, and he did an okay job.  I think he developed his character towards the end of the first movie.  He just seemed more comfortable in the role, and it showed.

Who knew this kid would grow into his nose and be the guy a new generation of Transformer fans would want to be.

Oh and he made out with Megan Fox!

Overall, I am very pleased with the way these movies are unfolding.  And the next one is being filmed in Washington D.C.!  That’s my old stomping grounds!  I was born and raised not too far from there.  It sucks that they had an on set accident with one of the BumbleBee cars:

But with all the money involved in this franchise, I’m sure they have more than one of everything.

This movie is overly satisfying, nostalgic, clever, and just plain old awesome.  It’s funny in the right spots, and very reminiscent of the old cartoons/comics.  The only thing that irked me a little bit, was that GM plugged an entire line of cars to be used for the movies.  I think they could have diversified the line up a little, just to make it more exciting.  But I have to give them credit for making BumbleBee a Camaro, because in the old cartoons he was a VW Beetle.  Or more commonly referred to as “the bug”.  I can see how that’s a cool play on words, but for real, no one today would think of BumbleBee as an intimidating “Guardian” alien robot as a Bug.

Pictured: Definitely not a badass intimidating Guardian alien robot with a heard of gold.

I can’t wait for the next one to come out.

Fun Fact #1:  Did you know the voice of Megatron was the same guy who played Agent Smith in the Matrix movies?

Fun Fact #2:  And the guy who did the voice of Jazz (The Pontiac Solstice) is the guy who played Eddie Winslow (Steve Urkel’s friend) in Family Matters?

That’s it for now, see you in the ticket line for the next installment.

The Jester.

 

*All images and videos are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Search.  All images obtained through Youtube.com Search.*

 

Nerdy Monday 16: The Sitcom Wisemen.

There’s a formula to the cast of any given sitcom.  There has to be a star who is somehow naive.  It’s up to the supporting cast to guide and direct him/her on their journey.  In the supporting cast, there has to be a wealthy person, a best friend, a girlfriend who post often proves to be the voice of reason, and of course there has to be a wise man, or a mentor.  I’ve picked 3 of my favorite wise men, and dons some research on them.  This is my tribute to the sitcom wise men!

Wilson, from Home Improvement.

In the world of the sitcom wise men, Wilson was in a class all his own.  He was in the popular show based on Tim Allen’s stand up comedy that ran all the way through the 1990′s.  Literally, the show ran from 1991 to 1999.  And I’m pretty sure Wilson was in every episode at least once.  Wilson, or known by his full name:  Wilson Wilson, Jr. played the extremely intelligent best friend and next door neighbor to Tim “The Tool Man” Taylor.  And whenever Tim follied up in his every day life, he ended up chatting across that infamous fence with Wilson.  Time after time, Wilson had the best possible answer for Tim.  One of the running gags in the show (if you remember) is that Tim would take that advice that Wilson gave him (that was usually most noted by Wilson’s historical points, or famous philosophical works made to drive the point home) and he would turn around and try to tell them to his wife in the show, or his audience on Tool Time.  Every single time, he would misquote Wilson, or the name of the person who made the famous work, or the historical event.  He would mispronounce Wilson’s long words, on a few occasions, and those were my favorite ones.

If you isolate the persona of Wilson, and look back on the show, that was the 1990′s way of trying to give your children (namely my generation) a moral compass.  Exactly the same way The Animaniacs were allowed on the WB Network because of the last 40 second segment entitled “The Wheel of Morality”.  You can’t blame them.  They were the ’90′s, they always had some awkward way of trying to teach kids the right thing to do.

Wilson, we thank you for all that you gave to us (and our kids) growing up, and wish you were still around to impart your wisdom.

And here’s what he looks like in real life:

He was also the creepy old guy in the horror-cult-classic Pet Sematary.

Dr. Cox, from Scrubs.

What can I say about this guy?  Dr. Percival Cox, M.D. has been a mentor to me since I started watching the show Scrubs in its 3rd season.  I’ve been a closet fan of John C. McGinly (the actor who plays Dr. Cox) for a long time.  He’s one of those guys who has been in every movie ever made.  Some of you may remember him from Platoon, or Wall Street. The younger kids probably first saw him as “one of the Bob’s” in Office Space. Any ways you slice it, he is awesome.  He is the epitome of awesome.  Back during my last few years of college, my friends and I would party on Friday & Saturday nights while watching DVDs of this show.  Each one of us had a character that we most related our personalities to.  I got elected Dr. Cox.  One of my friends was the Janitor, our friend “Turk” automatically was Turk.  And the list went on.

When word of that little game got around campus a little bit, some people looked down on me because I was “A Dr. Cox”.  I didn’t care though, I took it as a huge compliment, he is the smartest person on the show.  I mean, who else could give out little nuggets of wisdom like these?  Haha, I love it.  And if anyone disagrees with me, I think this video clip of Dr. Cox’ top 5 rants will change your mind about him.

Also, another thing about Dr. Cox is how he delivers his wisdom.  He runs the entire gambit of wisdom-giving.  He can be hateful and sarcastic, he can be downright arrogant and a little rude.  He can be completely angry, and he can also be nice, gentle, kind, and sincere.  If you’ve ever watched the show, you know what I’m talking about and you can see the compassion in his eyes when he’s talking about something he truly cares about.  He has taught me to refrain from “biting” someone (figuratively, of course) when a simple “growl” will suffice.  And I guarantee you will learn a lot and have a few very good laughs if you scroll through that Coxism website I linked to up there.  Thank you Perry Cox for coming onto the scene and being a supporting cast member that steals the show!

Last, but certainly not least, Mr. Feeny from Boy Meets World.

George Hamilton Feeny.  Who doesn’t remember this character?  The way I think about this role, played by veteran actor William Daniels, is that it progressed throughout the entire series to envelope relationships with all of the other characters.  There wouldn’t have been a Boy Meets World, at least as we know it, had this character not been involved.  Think about this seriously, for a minute!  He started out in the series as Cory & Shawn’s (or “Sean’s”, whatever) 6th grade teacher.  Fast forward to the end of the series, and he helped out every single character through various troubling and sometimes even tragic circumstances.  I would go so far as to say he was the sole person to advance everyone elses character to the next phase of life.  He helped Shawn out when his mom ran off and his dad went to look for her.  He helped Cory out pretty much every episode.  He was a “Wilson” to the Matthews’ (the parents), and was basically a foundation for the older brother Eric.  In so many ways he helped character development, while doling out good advice and being a moral compass, simultaneously.   And he did it all without being maniacal, egocentric, aggressive, or manipulative.  And rarely did he ever raise his voice.  He was a true role model that kids my age were lucky enough to aspire to.  Thank you George Feeny for everything!

Check out this video that is very memorable to me, and was probably one of the more funny Feeny moments:

That’s my rundown for Nerdy Monday this week.  See you by the T.V.

The Jester.

*All images and videos are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.  All videos obtained through Youtube.*

Top 10 Tuesdays 6: Vids to play on your honeymoon.

In hopes of getting through all this winter-y nastiness, I figure I’m going to start looking forward to Spring.  Spring is a wonderful time of the year, and I’d be willing to put money on the fact that there are more weddings in Spring than there are in any other season.  It’s the time of rebirth, rejuvenation, Spring Fever, and starting anew.

If you’re a hardcore gamer, you play games in any given circumstance.  And I mean, on your honeymoon is no exception.  You are going to have some down time in between all the consummating, believe it or not.  Hardcore gamers are more loyal to their video games than mailmen are to the mail.  Nor rain, nor sleet, nor nuptials are going to keep you from playing.  Nor power outages, nor earthquakes, nor slow internet connectivity either.  None of that will stop a true gamer, we’re like electronic Boy Scouts.. we’re always prepared.

It’s a sad but true fact that there are a lot of video gamers out there that rush through work, skip social events, even flake out on funerals [which is astonishingly disrespectful by the way] when they’re in the middle of something on their favorite game.  With that being said, let’s jump right into it, and talk about the…

Top 6 Video Games to Play on Your Honeymoon!

I know what you’re thinking… and yes, this is the first top 10 I’ve done that doesn’t go up to 10.  But if you remember my first Top 10, I said specifically that sometimes I’ll go past 10, sometimes I won’t make it to 10.  So get over it and enjoy the rest of the post.

#6.  The Little Mermaid  (Game Boy/Super Game Boy (SNES))

Okay, I’m going to be honest on this one.  This isn’t only for your new bride to play while you’re in the bathroom, or running down the block to pick up food or whatever it is you’re doing leaving the hotel room.  This is actually a challenging game.  It goes to show that some graphic design companies (in this case Capcom) can take something as little kid-ish and as girly as the little mermaid and actually make a decently challenging game out of it.  I get frustrated playing it, it’s quite hard.  And to be even more honest, it’s only on this list because it’d be a good tool for you and your better half to bond over early on in your marriage. Who knows?  Later on, if she starts getting on your case about playing too much C.O.D. Black Ops, you’ll have at least a little ammunition for your side of the argument.

#5.  18 Wheeler Pro American Trucker (Dreamcast)

If you haven’t played this game, it’s pretty awesome.  The only thing about it is, I’m pretty sure it isn’t realistic at all.  It’s like the difference between Forza Motorsports and Speed Devils.  If you haven’t played those games either, go play them.  AFTER you play 18 wheeler.  I included this game on this list because you’ve just taken a leap of faith with a woman to embark on a new life together.  You need something to help you feel like a man.  Short of taking classes, changing your lifestyle, getting your CDL, and buying a truck… this is it.

#4.  Halo 2  (XBox)

I know, I know.. You’re thinking “Jester… enough with the friggin’ Halo already!”  But I’m telling you, there is never a bad time to play it!  It’s addicting, it revolutionized first person shooters back in the day.  Then Call of Duty manned-up and took the whole fps genre to a different level with their entire franchise.  This game is perfect to play with your new wife because you can either work together towards a common goal [ridding the universe of those pesky aliens] or you can battle to see who is the better soldier.  The choice is yours, just remember… while playing with a new bride, it’s important to take into account that from now on there are going to be consequences to every action you take.  Think about that for a while.

#3.  A Boy and His Blob  (NES)

I can’t report on the new remake they did of this game on the Wii, because I haven’t played it yet.  But this game came up in a conversation I had with a friend of mine about a week ago.  I started thinking about it, and while I was writing up this article, I decided to include it.  I haven’t played through this game in its entirety since I was about 8 years old, so I can’t tell you all about the plot and everything, but here’s what I remember:  You play as the boy, and you have your own blob.  You feed the blob different flavors of jellybeans, and depending on the flavor, the blob changes into a certain shape.  A ladder, or a bridge, or something.  It’s up to you to place the blob in the right place, and feed him the right flavor of jellybean.  It gets rather cryptic, and intriguing.  And if you’re playing it on your honeymoon, you wife is going to be there.  And since you have a wife now, she’s going to remember everything for you.  And since there are about 100 different flavors of jellybeans, and you’ve been married for less than a week, you can use her honed skill to your advantage.  It might be the only time in the marriage you get to do so.  Let me know how that one goes!

#2.  Rampage  (NES)

This also came out on Playstation 1, and again on the PS2, but there’s nothing like playing the original 8-bit game.  It’s a fantastic 2 player game where both of you play as monsters and you just keep traveling right, and destroying buildings.  It’s perfect for if you feel a fight coming on, or if you’ve been playing all the other games on the list, and hogging the controller.  If she actually wants to play with you, great!  If she doesn’t, then you have a whole new set of problems on your hands.

The Winner, and #1.  Battle Toads  (NES)

As we all know, this game is a thinly veiled attempt to cash in on the Ninja Turtles franchise.  This game came out not too long after the TMNTs hit the scene.  So a different company came up with a far-fetched synonym for “ninja” and a different amphibian, threw them together, and marketed them as something different.  It’s been going on since the dawn of time.  Anyways, that’s not why this is the best game to play on your honeymoon.  The reason why is because there is no versus mode, only cooperative.  It’s an arcade style button-masher with one fatal glitch… they left friendly fire turned on.  So if your new mate is talking too much and frustrates you to the point of slapping her or something (or, vice-versa for the girls out there reading this) don’t slap her in real life, that’s a horrible way to go.  Pop in this game, and go to town on her/him.  Blame it on the glitch, they’ll never know the difference.

See you at the reception,

The Jester.

 

*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.*

Nerdy Monday 15: My Tribute to a Little Game Entitled Simply: PAPERBOY!

Oh my gosh.  Paperboys.  What can I say about them?  I was never a paperboy, but if being one were anything like the movies or T.V. shows made them out to be, it was a rite of passage into the work force.  It helped boys become men.  It was a fast track to manhood.  However you want to say it, it was a huge responsibility.

This brings me to my first point, why is it that all the way through the entire game of paperboy, you’re delivering papers during mid day?  All the paperboys I knew growing up had to wake up at 3:30am, and deliver all of their newspapers before everyone woke up.  Not while they were out mowing their grass and sending their lawnmower at you at 25 miles an hour, or letting their dogs out of their house as you rode by.  I’d bet you that if the paperboy in the popular video game wasn’t so lazy and got up before mid afternoon, he wouldn’t run into half of the inane obstacles he did!  I’d play that game, it’d be more like having a real paper route.

Paperboy was an arcade game released in 1984.  There was a movie released about it at the PEAK of paperboy’s popularity, in 1994.  So there was a good 10 year run right there.  I can’t remember if paper boy was on the regular Nintendo (NES), but I know there was a version of it released for the Sega Genesis.  There was a sequel to paperboy entitled just: PAPERBOY 2 released on the Super Nintendo (SNES).  And as far as I can tell, they are the exact game.  LET’S CHECK OUT SOME SCREEN SHOTS!

Here’s paperboy 1:

Right?

And here’s paperboy 2:

Okay?

Not much of a difference there.  I was going to dedicate an entire section of this article to comparing, and another entire section was going to be dedicated to contrasting Paperboy & Paperboy 2.  But check it out, in Paperboy 1, you ride your bike, try not to crash, refill papers as needed, dodge hazards, deliver papers to white houses, don’t deliver to red houses, and try not to break anybody’s window.  IF POSSIBLE, you try to make the paper go into the mailbox.  In Paperboy 2, you ride your bike, try not to crash, refill papers as needed, dodge hazards, deliver papers to white houses, don’t deliver to red houses, and try not to break anybody’s window.  And IF POSSIBLE, you try to make the paper go into the mailbox.  In a Venn diagram, these 2 games would be the exact same circle intersecting at every possible point.

Which begs the question:  Why was this game so popular?  Everyone had, or has played this game.  It seeped its way into our pop-culture.  Perfect example:

PAPERBOY THE MOVIE: TRAILER

Sorry, that was going to be a picture, but the file corrupted.  But the video is even better.

So seriously, why was this game so great?  Was it the simplistic concept?  Was it how easily relatable the game play was?  Was it the innocence of the subject matter?  Was it the family friendly tone?

My theory is your parents bought it for you in hopes that it’d inspire you to get your own damn job in order to be able to buy your own video games.  See the logic there?  They bought you a video game, because they were hoping that they’d never have to get you another one in real life.  They were hoping that you would get so good at it on your Sega Genesis, that it would act as a simulator (of sorts) to get you a bunch of practice.  Do you see?  Then once you beat the game once or twice, they’d drop the bomb on you, saying “well, try it in real life”.

Knowing you though, I hope your parents didn’t hold their breath.

Because God forbid they’d have to keep spending $28.99 (the original retail price of Paperboy) on some dag-gone video games!  And seriously, did anyone ever beat it?  Did you ever beat Paperboy?  I never did, and I don’t know anyone who ever has, so we all would have made horrible paperboys in real life.

All kidding aside though, I think it was something about the lines, the restricted areas and the random obstacles that make this a rare game insomuch as it is both fun AND difficult.  Kind of like Bubble Bobble!  Any way you slice it though (I like it julienne), be it innocence, ease, or just simple nostalgic value this game somehow rode off the virtual streets of a fictitious neighborhood full of people that just wanted to read the news… and rolled right into our hearts.

See you at the mailbox, neighbor.

The Jester.

Top 10 Tuesdays 5: Video Games To Make Drinking Games Out Of!

Let me start this article by saying that I do not condone drinking alcohol.  I used to drink a lot, but don’t anymore.  Now I think of it as a waste of time, money, energy, and a lot more.  Aside from the fact that it’s unhealthy.  But just because that’s my belief, doesn’t mean it’s the belief of everyone else.  I know the younger people, mostly those who have just turned 21 and thus earned the privilege to drink  alcohol, are all into drinking games.

That being said, here we go with…

THE TOP TEN VIDEO GAMES TO MAKE DRINKING GAMES OUT OF!

Yes, drinking games have supposedly been around since the dawn of, well… drinking.  It started with the ancient Greeks, all the way through the college age kids of today.  They have caused deaths, built fraternity bonds, induced vomiting, and all around been an experience all of us at one time or another have partaken in.  Some of the harder-core drinkers I know claim they can make a drinking game out of anything.  And being the hard-core retro gamer I am, I’m going to do the same thing here.  So let’s start of with…

#10.  Mechwarrior 3050  (SNES)

Have you ever played Mech Warrior on the PC?  Well this is the “primitive” version of that.  It’s an awesome game, and as it turns out it’s kind of challenging.  Not real, real challenging, the way Call of Duty Black Ops tends to be, but just challenging enough to make a little side-game out of.  And it’s not an online game, therefore, it has a “pause” option.

The Rules:

1. Every time you destroy an enemy Mech, drink.
2. Every time you destroy an enemy Mech using only your machine gun, take 2 drinks.
3. Level complete?  Take 3 drinks.

That’s it.  Trust me, that’s all you need.  It won’t get you super drunk or anything, but I guarantee that if it were any harder, you wouldn’t want to play it.

#9.  Sly 2: Band of Theives  (PS2)

I know I’ve written about this game before.  So as you many know, this is more of a game for younger kids.  BUT[!] you can definitely make a side game out of it.  It’s kind of like Grand Theft Auto, insomuch as it has missions, as well as a free-range mode.  Play it for a little while, it grows on you.

The Rules:

1. Complete a mission, take 2 drinks.
2. Collect 100 coins, take 2 drinks.
3. Steal a rare item, take 5 drinks.
4. Complete one section with 100%, and finish your drink, PLUS one drink.

Childish video game equals a childish drinking game right?  I tried this while drinking Hawaiian Punch, and had to pee 8 times in an hour.

#8.  KISS! Psycho Circus: The Nightmare Child  (Dreamcast)

I may have talked about this game before, but I know it’s a hidden gem.  There’s not too many people out there that know about it.  I’s your basic rockstar-sell-out, built-on-a-DOOM-engine, psychotic first-person-shooter.  It’s actually an alright game.  KISS actually has nothing to do with it except that their name is in the title, and maybe because it’s what KISS used to picture when they were on a bad trip while on stage. Not to mention, the year this game came out (2000), the final boss fight had more enemies on screen at once than any other game out at the time.

The Rules:

1. I would say “kill an enemy” and drink.  But in this case, you would die before 2 levels were up.  So, kill 15 enemies, drink once.
2. Find an unusual item/weapon, drink 2.
3. Find an image of any of the members of KISS, drink 5 (this is a rather hard one).

I mean, check out a screenshot of this game…

The final rule is: drink 3 if you can make sense of this game.  The programmers didn’t have logic in mind when they created it, so if you can understand it, CLEARLY you are too sober.

#7.  Motherload  (Internet Game)

This is a game I stumbled across during Freshman year of college.  Found here [XGen Studios], Motherload is an elegantly simple game.  You play as this little mining contraption that has to drill down through the surface of Mars.  You look for precious gems, hidden artifacts and even dinosaur bones.  Let that sink in.. dinosaur bones… on MARS.  Yeah.  Anyways, you drill down and get different metals/gems, and have to get back to the surface before you run out of fuel, and you can’t take too much damage.  Run out of fuel, or take too much damage, and game over.  You have one life and no continuances.

The Rules:

1. Drink every 1,000 feet you drill.
2. Drink every time you sell your metals.
3. Drink 2 every time you upgrade your vehicle.
4. Drink 2 every time you fill up your fuel tank.

You will enjoy this one, and it’s definitely not as complicated as you might think.  Get it done, son!

#6.  Air Force Delta  (Dreamcast)

Another game that was great for the Dreamcast, and still is.  It’s your basic fly-around-and-destroy-stuff game.  It’s pretty easy, and with every mission you complete, you get money.  You use the money to buy planes, every time you crash a plane or get shot down, you have to buy that plane again.  So basically planes = lives.

The Rules:

1. Shoot down a plane, drink 1.
2. Shoot down a plane with only your machine gun, drink 5 (it’s pretty tough).
3. Complete a mission, finish your drink.
4. Buy a plane, take a drink.

Easy game, easy drinking game.  Oh it will get harder… don’t think you’re one of those pilots who can drink while flying.  No one is.

#5.  Tetris  (System Varies)

Ahh tetris.  A game everyone knows.  A game everyone loves.  A game no one can beat (except for the Japanese).  This game is more versatile when it comes to making a drinking game out of it.  Like all of these games though, feel free to play around with the rules.  Add some, subtract some, change it up a little bit.  But this one is really easy to make the side-game out of.

The Rules:

1. Drink 1 every 5 lines you get.
2. Drink 2 with every level advancement.
3. Drink 3 every time you die/start over.
4. Drink 4 every 5 levels you beat.

Haha, think you know how to play tetris?  After this, you won’t remember how to.

#4.  Grand Theft Auto – Vice City Stories  (PS2)

This has got to be one of my most favorite games in the GTA franchise.  We all know about this one, because it’s not all that old, so…

The Rules:

1. Get 5 stars, take 5 drinks.
2. Find a new weapon, get a new drink.
3. Complete a mission, complete a drink.
4. Drink for every 2 minutes you are in free range mode, doing nothing.
5. Blow something up, take a drink.

There’s about 40 more rules you can make right off the top of your head, but that’s way too much.  And when it comes to drinking games, you have to keep it simple.  For all of these games, especially this one, please use beer… if you drink liquor to play this game, it will kill you in minutes.  Be safe with it.

#3.  Halo 1  (XBox)

I told you that this game is my favoritest game ever.  I try to be unbiased, but darn it all, this game is so awesome, there is no bad time to play it.  This one actually ranked higher this time for legitimate reasons though.  It’s up to 16 players, or more likely 1-4 players.  And drinking is supposed to be a social thing, so you need more people around to keep you in line, and make sure you’re not breaking any of the rules.

The Rules (this is for 4-player versus mode):

1. Kill someone, take a drink.
2. Die, drink.
3. Use a vehicle, take a drink.
4. Chug your beer while waiting for respawn.

Try it, trust me.

 

The winners, and tied for #1.  Street Fighter II  (SNES), & Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3 (Genesis)

 

Classic, vibrant, fantastic.  These games are simple button mashers with only two (common) rules..

1. If you win the fight, you take a drink.
2. If you lose the fight, you take a drink.

That’s really all you need.  Besides a lot of water and aspirin in the morning.  Good luck.

Make sure you don’t have work/school the next day.

The Jester.

 

*All images are property of their respective owners, and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.*

*The author takes no responsibility in the actions/consequences of the readers based on what they do .  All games are to be used without alcohol.  If alcohol is to be used, please drink at your own risk, and pretty please be responsible.  And remember, always in moderation.*

 

Nerdy Monday 14: “The Secret World of Alex Mack”– WHAAAAAT?

First of all, I hope everyone had an amazing holiday season!  Mine was fantastic.. I’m fatter, I’m tired-er, and I’m happier.  And it’s time to OFFICIALLY take my blog articles off hiatus.  So here I am.. The Jester, is back in the house everyone.

Secondly, I’d like to thank everyone for visiting my blog even through the hiatus.  December was by fay my best month ever!  I love getting the hits, and I hope everyone enjoys what I write, I try to make it fun, and speaking of which, let’s get started on…

NERDY MONDAY FOURTEEN, BABY!!!1  This week we’re talking about…

How awesome was this show?!  Wait a second, before I ask that, do you even remember it?

It was THE SHOW to be watching between 1994 & 1998.  It replaced “Clarissa Explains it All” in the SNICK line-up.  Remember SNICK?  Man, what I wouldn’t give to get back to that time.. it was so much simpler.

Anyways, Alexandra “Alex” Mack was “an ordinary teenager, until an accident changed her life” so says the intro.  If you remember this show, you remember that intro.  A truck crashes, and spills a top-secret chemical called “GC-161″ all over Alex.

I guess it wasn’t a coincidence that Alex’s father, George, works for the chemical company, or as it’s called in the show “The Plant” that produced GC-161.

I don't even think he knows he's on a show.

 

It’s also important to note here that the guy that plays George Mack has a pretty unimpressive acting resume.  BUT, before that sinks in, I want to say that at least he has an acting resume.  Much more than many, many people have.  But that’s the weird thing, I thought back then that he played an awesome dad.  And in doing research for this article, I came across a few episodes and watched them all the way through, he still played a great father figure, and a loving husband.  I think he did an outstanding job as one of the “background characters”.  –Oh come on, this was a kid’s show on Nickelodeon in the ’90′s, all parents were “background characters”.  I think that Mr. Blakely was a very underrated actor, and if he were given the opportunity, would have been a pretty big star.

Moving back to the show itself though, The Plant, was owned by one Danielle Atron.

I didn't feel like looking to hard for a picture of her character.

The mythical Paradise Valley is where all of this takes place, and Ms. Atron is so rich that her name is all over it.  She’s another background character that plays the antagonist of the whole plot-line.  She owns The Plant, she knows “some kid” was affected in the accident, and moves her life goal towards finding “said kid”.  That’s about it for her.  Ms. Atron has tons of money, and blows it all on trying to find Alex Mack, which I can only assume lives less than 30 minutes away from her Plant — Oh come on.. Alex’s dad commutes back and forth from there every day!

This is a family friendly show though, so let’s keep our feet on the ground, shall we…

Danielle Atron hires a “hitman”, or should I say henchman, named “Vince”, the maniacal head of security at the plant.  Vince is supposed to be a contract killer, but he is terrible at it.  In one of the episodes I recently watched (which was one of the ones towards the end of the entire series) Vince comes close to catching Alex.  And the dialogue between him and Ms. Atron go a little something like this:

Ms. Atron: ..and Vince, when you find the child.. this time…

Vince:  I can collect our agreed upon price?

MA:  Yes Vince, seven figures, like I promised.

V:  Right away Ms. Atron.

Really?  They agreed years ago on a seven digit price for Alex?  Now realistically, a seven figure price tag is anywhere between $1,000,000 and $9,999,999.  but even more realistically, this was a kids show, so it was probably just a cool, even million.

Which begs the question.. if Vince was supposed to be some cold-hearted, million-dollar-contract collecting evil-doer… how in the name of all that’s pure and sacred in this world, did the show go on for 4 freakin’ years?  Did anyone see that movie “Smokin’Aces”?!  If Ms. Atron hired one of THOSE guys… this show would have been just that.  A show.  ONE show.  Probably only one of those half-shows, like robot chicken, or aqua teen hunger force.

All of that aside, it was fun growing up watching this on T.V.  Alex had wonderful parents, an awesome (and awesomely intelligent) sister who helps her through the whole ordeal.  Her best friend is awesome.  Please forgive me though, both of these characters are kind of minor to the think I want to talk most about.

Ladies & Gentlemen... (mostly gentlemen)...

How hott was she?  During the ’90′s, the show “Alex Mack” was categorized as Science Fiction, Fantasy, Teen Drama, and Comedy. Also during that time, the girl who played Alex Mack herself, was categorized as “one of America’s favorite 15 year olds”, and “the proverbial ‘girl next door’”.  And for good reason!  I don’t know if when she got drenched in GC-161 that one of her powers were to make tween boys fall in love with her, but it certainly happened.  Every guy I knew had a crush on her.

Larisa Romanovna Oleynik:

Was her father Ukrainian for naming her that, or something?  Yes, he was.  Therefore she has a Slavic sounding name.  Now, before you go all xenophobic on me, let’s remember some of the other extremely attractive Eastern European (mostly Ukrainian) woman that have caught our eye as of late…

First off there’s Yana Klochkova, the Ukrainian swimmer who won 5 Olympic medals during her career, 4 being golden in color.  Not to mention, she looked like this:

She's a swimmer. Remember when I told you that?

Next on our list is Olga Kurylenko.  A Ukrainian actress who got her big break in Quantum of Solace.  And seriously,  why is she so attractive?

Maybe it's a little because she was a Bond girl.

Then of course we have Anna Kurnikova…

Never won a single tournament, but everyone knows her name.

Also, who can forget about our favorite character in the Resident Evil movie franchise, Alice?  Also known as Milla Jovovich.

To be fair though, not too many women holding those guns wouldn't be sexy.

There’s also Daria Webowy.  Never heard of her?  She’s been on the Italian cover of Vogue a couple of times, and was the face of Prada’s Fall/Winter line.  And this is why…

She makes a great "Lady in Red".

And last but not least, we have the underrated Mila Kunis.  Some remember her from That 70′s Show, some [younger people] know her from Forgetting Sarah Marshall, but mostly people know her from voicing ‘Meg” on Family Guy.  Anyways, here she is…

Totally the opposite of Meg, in real life.

Anyways, that’s enough of that tangent.

Larisa Oleynik, or as her family calls her “Rissy”, went on to play in a few different movies, most notably 10 Things I hate About You, alongside Heath Ledger… one of my favorite actors of all time (for the Joker thing, not the Brokeback thing).  She also played in The Adventures of Pete & Pete, 3rd Rock From the Sun, Boy Meets World, and Malcom in the Middle. Quite an acting resume she acquired before she was able to legally drink a beer.  Right?

Any way you slice it, there were a lot of good moments in the show, and we watched every episode with joy.  It was always great, and I’m pretty sure I can speak for all of the guys my age when I say…. I miss SNICK, and Alex Mack.

*All Images are property of their respective owners, and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.”

Top 10 Tuesdays 3: You’ve Broken Your Arm.

Okay, so if you’ve been following my advice for the Top 10 Tuesday things, and your arm is in a cast. I’d like to think that at least one of the following scenarios happened:

1. You finally cheesed your girlfriend off enough to warrant some kind of malevolence from her.
2. Something happened on Black Friday, like you got punched by a guy getting the last copy of Mario Galaxy 2.
3. You fell deep into a Thanksgiving Day food-coma and when you landed on the ground, fractured something.
4. You got so stressed out during exam week, that you decided to climb a tree to relax… and it ended badly.
5. You actually did one of the things I said in the Mad G-Friend post.  That’ll get you hurt!

Thar’s right, one or all of the above happened to you, and now your arm is all gimped out.  Don’t worry though, there are still video games you can play while your arm recovers.  Before you play any video games though, make sure you get everyone who wants to sign your cast, to sign it, and please come up with a good story to tell to people.  “My girlfriend doesn’t want me to play ‘Call of Duty’ anymore.”  Isn’t a good response to “What Happened to your arm, Champ?”  So let’s get right on to it this week with:

The Top 10 Video Games to Play While Your Arm is in a Cast:

For the entirety of the list, I’m assuming that your dominant hand is going to be the one attached to the cast.  It usually happens that way, more often than not your dominant hand is your “go-to” hand, and ends up being on the broken arm.  If your leg was in a cast, you can play whatever video games you want.  Or go play a real life game of basketball, or whatever it is people that break their legs do.

#10.  Hold The Button  (Web)

This game is as simple as it gets.  You get online, type in http://www.holdthebutton.com, and after the advertisement, you click the button and hold it.  Just hold the button.  See how your time holds up against the competition.  It’s cool because you can even use the arm that’s in the cast!  You’re barely using a muscle, and it might take a while before you have to switch off hands, if that happens at all.  How many muscles does it take to hold down a mouse button?  Like, 2?  Good luck!

#9.  Worst Game Ever  (Web)

The Worst Game ever is really exactly what it claims to be.  Get on over to Adult Swim Games and check it out.  The only reason why it didn’t come in last is the fact that, unlike holdthebutton, this has characters.  I enjoy Master Shake & Meatwad every week on their show, so why wouldn’t I enjoy them in their very own video game?  Oh yeah, because this game is the worst game ever.  All you do is go right.  Just hold down the “right” arrow on your keyboard, and occasionally hit the space bar to jump over obstacles.  Give me a break man, this game is horrible, but you shouldn’t have let your girlfriend break your arm.

#8.  Snake  (It varies)

This game is a little trickier, and it may even require BOTH hands to play.  What else can I say, you’re a snake, you have to eat balls that are supposed to represent apples, I think.  You run around eating the apples, and each time you do, you grow a little longer.  Keep going and don’t run into the walls or your tail, and you win.  You can play this on your Atari 2600, there are a few web based programs for it, and if you still have your very first cell phone, the kind that came out in the year 2000 (Nokia), it’s on there.  That’s where I remember playing it.

#7.  Ultimate Board Game Collection (PS2)

This game is technically a video game, but you’d honestly be better off playing the games in real life.  Who doesn’t have a checker’s set lying around the house?  Or at least some paper and pencils to play tic-tac-toe?  I picked up this game, not even opened yet, with the case & manual (obviously) for $1.99 at one of the local antique/pawn shops.  I had seen where they began the selling price at $20, then a few months later marked it down to $15, then to $10, then to $5, then to $3.49, then finally to $1.99.  If I hadn’t have come in that day, they would probably still have this game.  Who buys these games?  When you want a video game, you want something that you can’t do in real life.. like fly a space ship, be a black-ops marine, get in submarine battles.. not play 3-Dimensional tic-tac-toe, or virtual mancala (whatever the hell that game is supposed to be), chess & checkers.  I know who buys these games… people who have gotten their arm broken by their girlfriend, because they play too many video games.  And me.  I see a $2 video game, and I’m all over it!

#6.  Pong  (It varies)

If you’ve ever played a video game in your life, you at least know of pong.  Maybe you haven’t played it, but you’ve heard of it.  You know it was the first successful game that basically launched a now billion dollar a year, world-wide industry.  Anyways, there are pong consoles out there (quite a few of them, actually), there are cartridges for the Atari consoles, there was a Dreamcast game released called “Atari 25th Anniversary Edition” which has pong on it, I’m sure you can find it online, or if you want to keep it cheap and old school, you should get yourself one of these:

I found one of these plug n’ play things at a yard sale for, I crap you not, a quarter.  It had batteries in it and everything.  It’s great, plug it into the tv, flip the switch, and you have 12 classic Atari games right there for you, and the controller looks, and even feels like the classic, recognizable Atari 2600 joysticks.  Like I said, it has 12 games.  Pong being one, and another being…

#6.  Breakout  (It varies)

Sometimes referred to as “Pong’s retarded little sideways cousin”, breakout too is an enjoyable game that requires minimal physical effort.  It’s very frustrating though.  You see, for those of you who haven’t played this game, you control that little red bar at the bottom.  You can move side to side.  The object is to make that ball bounce up to the top and clear a path so that it can reach the top and “Breakout”… of the… screen?  I guess?  Keep in mind this game came out in the late 1970′s, we had to use a lot of imagination to supplement graphics and plots and stuff, back then.

#4.  Galaga  (It varies)

Now we’re getting into some of the serious games.  Galaga has been a personal favorite of mine for over 20 years.  My cousin had it on NES while I was growing up, so I’d play all the time at her house.  If your dominant arm is broken (we’ll assume it’s your right arm, because the majority of the population is right handed), all you need to be able to do is press a button with it.  So if you can play “Hold the Button” with no discomfort, you can play this game.  Also, this game has been ported to many, many different consoles.  I see the game “Namco Museum” around a lot at the flea markets, and on eBay/Amazon.  That game is great, it has 5 classic games, one of them being Galaga, and it’ll only cost you somewhere around $5.  That game is even a cartridge for the Game Boy Advanced/Game Boy Advanced SP.  I bought 2 for $5 in that case.  Either way, in the game you use the joystick, or D-pad, or whatever with your left hand, and your right hand is just in charge of hitting one button.  ONE, button.  Just the fire button, there is no jump, there is no “move faster/run”, just fire.  That’s all you need to do.

#3.  World of Warcraft  (PC/Online)

As much as it pains me to say this; sometimes.. SOMETIMES, WoW is a good game.  If your arm is in a cast, you can definitely get some good video gaming in, and again, it requires only the most minimum amount of physical effort.  I am not a fan of this game, I have played it only a few times, and never have I ever had my own account.  But I do have a little brother.  That’s right, A1C Dotson, or my baby brother, Jay breaks the mold when it comes to WoW players.  Remember the South Park Episode of WoW?  Remember the “master player” that all the kids had to beat in order to play the game?  That’s a stereotype, and kind of a mean one at that.  But most stereotypes are rooted in truth, and in this case, it is (I’ve witnessed it first hand).  Jeremy Dotson is the exception to the rule that all WoW nerds are fat, awkward, and overall weird.  And like I said, this game is nice if your arm is in a cast.  Just don’t get too addicted.

#2.  Starcraft  (PC)

I think we all know and love this game.  Well, at least we all know this game.  Perfect if one or more of your extremities are stuck in a cast.  I liked playing this one, actually.  I haven’t played it much as of late, but it will always hold a special place in my heart.  This is another one my baby brother turned me onto, and is one of the first Christmas presents he bought me with his own money.  He was 9, I think?  It was a sweet gesture, and it gave us some time to play a game together that we both enjoyed.  It has a simplistic basis, and I’m sure playing on career/campaign, 1 player, you can zip through the levels pretty quickly.  The real challenge comes when you play against the other people.  And God help you if you sign onto a Korean or Japanese server, those people are wicked at this game.  Which brings me to…

The Winner, #1.  Starcraft II (PC/Online)

And here it is, the big mamma-jamma of RPG’s, Starcraft II.  It is light-years ahead of Starcraft 1, which isn’t a bad game, even now, 10+ years later.  This game is to RPS’s what Call of Duty Black Ops is FPS’s.  It is what Mario is to Luigi, it is what lasagna is to Garfield, it is what Halo 1 is to me.  It is the epitome of a great game you can play while having to sit around the house because your leg is in a cast.  Or arm.. or whatever.  Just a side note: there was an honorary holiday in Korea on the day this game was released because all the companies knew they would be hitting record numbers of people calling in sick.  That many Korean people can’t be wrong. Source.
Sorry about the arm,

The Jester.

*All images and videos are property of their respective owners and my be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.  All videos obtained through Youtube search.*

Nerdy Monday: Emulators vs. The Real Deal

A lot of people I talk to ask me why I have so many old video games.  I have a lot of them, and I scour the yard sales and flea markets for them.  Most of the time I don’t go too out of my way for them.  Though there are a few people I know at the Tri-Cities flea market AND Trader’s Village in Kingsport that sell video games, and I’m on a first name basis with them because I’m a pretty good, and loyal customer.

But it gets brought up a lot that I only have around 300-350 games when my other friends have every game that was released on every console up to… XBox, or whatever.  They have emulators.  Emulators are files that you can put on your computer that hold all of the games from certain systems.  When someone has a “complete 64 emulator”, it means that there’s a file on their computer containing all of the N64 games ever released.  There’s no real advantage to having them, other than bragging rights. For example:

This is a screenshot from Jurassic Park 2 on SNES.

 

The graphics aren’t any better, is my point.  And sure, you got them all within a week for free from a guy who called a guy who knows about these things.  That’s cool.  That’s very awesome.  It’s fantastic if you’re a person who just wants to say they have every game that’s been released.

But I’m not that kind of person.  For me it’s more about the hunt than it is the prey.  I love finding a few simple games at the bottom of a box in someone’s yard sale.  It’s cool because you get all excited “SONIC 1?! I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THIS!” is what you think.  Then you have to calm down and then hold them up and say “How much you want for this?”  while trying not to smile.  And it’s almost orgasmic when they say “How about a quarter?”  How cool is that?

I have met so many interesting people looking for these old games.  I also think there’s kind of a bond there, when someone is selling a sega genesis and 10 games/cases/manuals with all the hook ups and controllers and you find it.  That recently happened to me, and I am definitely sending that woman a Christmas card.  Call me nerdy, or geeky, or dorky, or just a tool, whatever.  I call that being grateful.  I call that networking.  She sold me all of that for $10.  She deserves at least a Christmas card.

You don’t get that kind of satisfaction from an emulator.  And really, out of the 800 or so NES games, how many of them have you actually played?  I had 3 NES’s growing up, and all of my friends had them, and my cousins, and even some of my friends in college had one, and I’ve still probably only played 80 different games.  And even that is stretching it.

I’m not out to own all of the games in every library ever made.  If that happens one day, great.  If it doesn’t, I’m not going to lose any sleep over it.

The Magnavox Odyssey.. sure, if someone gives one to me, I’m not going to turn it down.  Anything else “video game related” that people choose to give/send/donate/SELL to me, is awesomely accepted.  When I can’t buy something from someone, I definitely know or will find someone who will.

I’m addicted.  Have you ever seriously gone back to a game you played growing up?  Back then, your parents paid the bill.  You played that one game with your one friend for as long as your attention span allowed… maybe 5-7 minutes.  Okay, okay, I’ll bare with you, how many NES games have you beaten?  Me, wow, I’m a nerd and I’ve only beat 11.  eleven out of eight hundred?  1.38%.  Even if you rounded up generously, I’ve only beaten 2% of all NES games.

And that’s only because I am a nerd.  I love playing games, and I love playing them all the way through.  Have you beaten GTAIII?  I mean up to 100%?  I haven’t.  I am up to 99% and can’t get past it.  It doesn’t make it any less fun, it makes it more of a challenge.

I digress again.  Emulators don’t give you this.  They don’t give you this passion.  You have to be in it for the game, not “all the games”.

Here’s my bottom line.  If you’re unsure about an old game, and want to play it before you buy it, get an emulator.  If you want to have an adventure, meet some people, and  get excited over deals the way I do…

Go retro.  Fark spending $60.00 on a brand new video game.  I can take $60.00 and show you 17 games YOU’VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF!

…then I’ll beat them all.  Right in front of you.  Just to prove that I am the master.

..”Say When!” ~Doc Holiday

The Jester.