NEW SEGMENT! Top 10 Tuesdays

I’ve been thinking about this idea for a while, and I’ve finally gotten a lot of stuff organized.  I wanted to wait until I was sure I’d be able to handle the workload, and have enough material to keep it going for a while.  But here it is, in my Top 10 Tuesdays segments, I’m going to pick different scenarios and tell you what I think the Top 10 video games to play in that situation are.  I’m doing it on Tuesdays because it’ll be a nice supplement to Nerdy Mondays, which focuses mostly on old video games anyways.  Sometimes the list will not go all the way up to 10, and sometimes it will go way past it, but I’m just going to stick with Top 10 for the title.  Anyways, this week’s category is!!!

The Top 10 Video Games to Play While Your Girlfriend is Mad at You:

That’s right.  We’ve all been there, right guys?  Your girlfriend is upset with you because you’re spending too much time on your XBox, or not listening, or something.  Whatever it is she’s whining about can be solved through playing video games and making random vague comments that allude to both the video game you’re playing, AND the situation you’re in with your lady friend. Let’s start it off with…

#10. Super Mario Brothers 3


Reason: Simplicity.

This game is a personal favorite of mine, a milestone in the video game world, and an always true favorite of retro gamers.  Right after the fight has commenced, and your girlfriend is cleaning (or whatever her vice is when she’s mad) or talking on the phone, you start off by playing this game.  It’s simple, it’s fun, it’s easy, but it’s still challenging even 25 years later.  Your best bet is to play and whip through the levels/worlds as fast as possible.  Forget about the stars, the coins, and the points.  Unless it’s the whistle, you don’t need it.  All the while have a blank stare on your face and every once in a while (usually after you beat a level) randomly utter some phrases like: “Man, I wish everything in life were this simple.” or “This reminds me of a simpler time.” or [so I’ve heard] a really popular one “I was just a kid when this came out, before I met you, when I was happy.”

Okay that last one might be a little mean, but it depends on what you’re fighting about.

Girlfriends Anger Level This is Best For (GALTIBF): Between a 5 and a 7.

#9. Frogger


Reason: Simplicity/Enjoyment

This game can be pulled out in any situation Mario 3 can.  It’s in the same category, same skill level, same nostalgic value, and most importantly the same phrases apply.  This one also comes with bonus phrases like: “You never notice how things that are so simple can be so difficult at times, like crossing a road.”  That will make your girlfriend analyze what you’re fighting about and help her realize that (if applicable) she’s turning mole hills into mountains.. but play around with it.  You will know the situation best, so be creative.

GALTIBF: Same as Mario 3, but with a few minor tweaks.

#8.  Fable 2


Reason: Fantasy/Make Believe

This is a good one to play for when you’ve been fighting for what seems like days.  You take a break, walk away and just drift off into the world of Fable 2.  You can run around and take out a few characters to get your stress level down to a rate your blood pressure can handle.  After that, should your girlfriend come walking into the room and sit down to watch you play… Okay, she’s not sitting down to watch you play, she’s coming in the same room with you to bring tension with her and see how you react.  She wants you to know she’s mad, and you’re the reason why.  Should that happen though, you don’t need to utter any phrases really.  That’s when you turn on the charm, and start earning those angelic points hardcore.  It will make her see that you’ve done wrong in the past, but are willing to try to be more understanding and overall a better person so that maybe this fight won’t happen again.  It will speak a lot about your character, but do not verbalize anything!  It will underline the fact that you’re the “strong silent type”.

GALTIBF: You forgetting to take out the trash, leaving a towel on the floor, not wiping up the counter, or leaving the toilet seat up.

#7.  Project Gotham Racing


Reason:  There is a clear goal in mind.  There is a physical finish line.

When that fight from above happens again, you pull out this game.  Because God knows that you leave the toilet seat up all the time, and you’re not about to change that!  This time though, You play Project Gotham.  This isn’t for show, or to brag about how good of a person you are to her, but more so just for your own personal gains.  You need a little realism to counter-balance her psycho-womanish-ness.  Racing games are always good for this because you know where the finish line is, you are able to see the goal.  There is a clear objective.  You just have to be the first one across it.  It’s an allegory for the fight you are in with the g-friend.  Even if there are only 2 racers, you don’t win unless you cross the line first.  Trust me, this will put you at peace.

GALTIBF: (Leaving the toilet seat up

#6.  Forza


Reason: Clear goal/objective

This is by far one of my most favorite, and arguably one of the best racing games out there.  This is to be used only when Project Gotham won’t work… nobody needs those “kudos” points anyways.  Stupid guardrails. Some of the phrases that are good for either of these games are “There it is!  I can see it!  I know what I need to do!”  Get it?

GALTIBF: Procrastination, letting the dog poop on the carpet, waiting for her to clean it up.

#5.  Grand Theft Auto III/San Andreas


Reason: Free Range Mode

This is the game you pull out when you’re fighting with your girl and it’s over how much time you have spent together.  Sometimes you guys get way too clingy and just need a few minutes apart.  This is where GTA comes in.  If you’re like me, you have a few PS2 memory cards lying around with a pretty decent games saved on there.  One of which should definitely be for GTA.  These games give you the freedom to run around and accomplish missions or play levels when you feel like it.  Or you could just roam around shooting people and stealing cars.  Phrases to use: “Can I go up here?  Of course I can I can go wherever I want!”, “What should I do now, there are so many options!”  You get the idea.

GALTIBF: When she gets mad at anything on facebook, when you come home drunk, or when you pee yourself (all 3 of those can happen at the same time these days).

#4.  Need For Speed Underground 2


Reason: Free Range Mode

I know the GTA franchise kind of combines the racing genre with the FPS/shoot’em ups, but this racing game has to be one that everyone finds pretty badass.  It has the free range mode where you can just drive around aimlessly and use the same phrases as you would use for GTA.  Or you can race so you can have that clear goal in mind… sometimes it’ll help you straighten out your thoughts and make you wonder if what you’re fighting about is really worth it or not.

GALTIBF: Also coming home drunk, or smelling like a bar, or saying something stupid to her mom, or making one of her friends, so something like an 7 or an 8 on the 1-10 scale.

#3.  Halo 2


Reason: Strategy/Energy/To get Riled up

If you’re having one of those fights most guys refer to as a “Barn-Burner” or are having it “All-Out”, and she has to step out for a few minutes, this is the game to play.  You throw on some Drowning Pool, Children of Bodom, or Gwar on a nearby CD player, and you are good to go.  You can play it on Legendary and kill a bunch of aliens, just to get you pumped for all the low punches you’re going to be pulling when she gets back, or you can play on easy to help you get your head together.  Either way, it’s a massive game with tons of possibilities to let your mind wander, or help you psyche yourself out.

GALTIBF: When you spent too much money, lost at poker, have been playing video games too often, or the famous “you never take me out anymore”.

#2 Any Call of Duty


Reason: Same as for Halo 2

Just repeat everything I said for Halo 2, but this one is set in real life, so you have to take your own preference.  Personally I like Halo 2, I’ve spent more time on it though, and Call of Duty has the same effect for most of the advanced levels.  You need to just pick which one is closest to you because the g-friend may only be gone for a few minutes!

GALTIBF: Thinks you’re cheating on her.

And the winner: #1.  Halo


 

Really you can do this with any Halo, but seriously this is for when it gets really bad between you 2.  This is for when you get to the point where you say “SCREW IT AND SCREW YOU, I’M INVITING THE GUYS OVER!”  Original XBoxes now go for about $30, you’ll need 4.  The Controllers go for anywhere between $5 & $10, you’re going to need 16.  Copies of Halo also go for $10, get 4 of them.  Oh and you’ll need 4 t.v.’s, and a hub.  Hook all that stuff up, invite 15 of your friends over and you play multiplayer Halo.  Who cares why you’re fighting anymore?  The guys are over, and they’re here to have some fun!  Who’s going to show them how to party?  You are, my man.  Phrases to use: “Screw her, dude.”, “Brah, pass me another brewski.”, and “STOP LOOKIN’ AT MY SCREEN!”

GALTIBF: For when it gets pants-crappingly horrible.
*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  Obtained from google image search.*

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13 Responses to “NEW SEGMENT! Top 10 Tuesdays”

  1. Tiffinie Powers Says:

    Never quite thought of things in this manner. Never thought a game could help a relationship…always seemed to make mine worse, especially when I beat the poor boy! But seriously…Frogger? Wow, what insight!

  2. one can argue that it can go both ways

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  10. […] this is the first top 10 I’ve done that doesn’t go up to 10.  But if you remember my first Top 10, I said specifically that sometimes I’ll go past 10, sometimes I won’t make it to 10.  […]

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