Archive for the Girlfriends Category

Top 10 Tuesdays 6: Vids to play on your honeymoon.

Posted in 1980's, 1990's, 2000's, Dreamcast (Long Live the...!), Girlfriends, Halo, Modern, NES, Playstation, PS2, Retro, TMNT, Top 10 Tuesdays, XBox on January 25, 2011 by Divide By Zero

In hopes of getting through all this winter-y nastiness, I figure I’m going to start looking forward to Spring.  Spring is a wonderful time of the year, and I’d be willing to put money on the fact that there are more weddings in Spring than there are in any other season.  It’s the time of rebirth, rejuvenation, Spring Fever, and starting anew.

If you’re a hardcore gamer, you play games in any given circumstance.  And I mean, on your honeymoon is no exception.  You are going to have some down time in between all the consummating, believe it or not.  Hardcore gamers are more loyal to their video games than mailmen are to the mail.  Nor rain, nor sleet, nor nuptials are going to keep you from playing.  Nor power outages, nor earthquakes, nor slow internet connectivity either.  None of that will stop a true gamer, we’re like electronic Boy Scouts.. we’re always prepared.

It’s a sad but true fact that there are a lot of video gamers out there that rush through work, skip social events, even flake out on funerals [which is astonishingly disrespectful by the way] when they’re in the middle of something on their favorite game.  With that being said, let’s jump right into it, and talk about the…

Top 6 Video Games to Play on Your Honeymoon!

I know what you’re thinking… and yes, this is the first top 10 I’ve done that doesn’t go up to 10.  But if you remember my first Top 10, I said specifically that sometimes I’ll go past 10, sometimes I won’t make it to 10.  So get over it and enjoy the rest of the post.

#6.  The Little Mermaid  (Game Boy/Super Game Boy (SNES))

Okay, I’m going to be honest on this one.  This isn’t only for your new bride to play while you’re in the bathroom, or running down the block to pick up food or whatever it is you’re doing leaving the hotel room.  This is actually a challenging game.  It goes to show that some graphic design companies (in this case Capcom) can take something as little kid-ish and as girly as the little mermaid and actually make a decently challenging game out of it.  I get frustrated playing it, it’s quite hard.  And to be even more honest, it’s only on this list because it’d be a good tool for you and your better half to bond over early on in your marriage. Who knows?  Later on, if she starts getting on your case about playing too much C.O.D. Black Ops, you’ll have at least a little ammunition for your side of the argument.

#5.  18 Wheeler Pro American Trucker (Dreamcast)

If you haven’t played this game, it’s pretty awesome.  The only thing about it is, I’m pretty sure it isn’t realistic at all.  It’s like the difference between Forza Motorsports and Speed Devils.  If you haven’t played those games either, go play them.  AFTER you play 18 wheeler.  I included this game on this list because you’ve just taken a leap of faith with a woman to embark on a new life together.  You need something to help you feel like a man.  Short of taking classes, changing your lifestyle, getting your CDL, and buying a truck… this is it.

#4.  Halo 2  (XBox)

I know, I know.. You’re thinking “Jester… enough with the friggin’ Halo already!”  But I’m telling you, there is never a bad time to play it!  It’s addicting, it revolutionized first person shooters back in the day.  Then Call of Duty manned-up and took the whole fps genre to a different level with their entire franchise.  This game is perfect to play with your new wife because you can either work together towards a common goal [ridding the universe of those pesky aliens] or you can battle to see who is the better soldier.  The choice is yours, just remember… while playing with a new bride, it’s important to take into account that from now on there are going to be consequences to every action you take.  Think about that for a while.

#3.  A Boy and His Blob  (NES)

I can’t report on the new remake they did of this game on the Wii, because I haven’t played it yet.  But this game came up in a conversation I had with a friend of mine about a week ago.  I started thinking about it, and while I was writing up this article, I decided to include it.  I haven’t played through this game in its entirety since I was about 8 years old, so I can’t tell you all about the plot and everything, but here’s what I remember:  You play as the boy, and you have your own blob.  You feed the blob different flavors of jellybeans, and depending on the flavor, the blob changes into a certain shape.  A ladder, or a bridge, or something.  It’s up to you to place the blob in the right place, and feed him the right flavor of jellybean.  It gets rather cryptic, and intriguing.  And if you’re playing it on your honeymoon, you wife is going to be there.  And since you have a wife now, she’s going to remember everything for you.  And since there are about 100 different flavors of jellybeans, and you’ve been married for less than a week, you can use her honed skill to your advantage.  It might be the only time in the marriage you get to do so.  Let me know how that one goes!

#2.  Rampage  (NES)

This also came out on Playstation 1, and again on the PS2, but there’s nothing like playing the original 8-bit game.  It’s a fantastic 2 player game where both of you play as monsters and you just keep traveling right, and destroying buildings.  It’s perfect for if you feel a fight coming on, or if you’ve been playing all the other games on the list, and hogging the controller.  If she actually wants to play with you, great!  If she doesn’t, then you have a whole new set of problems on your hands.

The Winner, and #1.  Battle Toads  (NES)

As we all know, this game is a thinly veiled attempt to cash in on the Ninja Turtles franchise.  This game came out not too long after the TMNTs hit the scene.  So a different company came up with a far-fetched synonym for “ninja” and a different amphibian, threw them together, and marketed them as something different.  It’s been going on since the dawn of time.  Anyways, that’s not why this is the best game to play on your honeymoon.  The reason why is because there is no versus mode, only cooperative.  It’s an arcade style button-masher with one fatal glitch… they left friendly fire turned on.  So if your new mate is talking too much and frustrates you to the point of slapping her or something (or, vice-versa for the girls out there reading this) don’t slap her in real life, that’s a horrible way to go.  Pop in this game, and go to town on her/him.  Blame it on the glitch, they’ll never know the difference.

See you at the reception,

The Jester.

 

*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.*

Nerdy Monday 11: Can we say “Boy meets World”?!

Posted in 1990's, Girlfriends, Retro, T.V. shows on December 1, 2010 by Divide By Zero

Who out there doesn’t remember this show?  If you remember it, you loved it, you know you did.  Don’t lie to me.  If you don’t remember it, you’re either 10 years old (in which case, stop reading my blog!) or you were “too cool” to watch it.

Remember those “cool” people from the ’90’s?  I do, they were mostly teens, or early 20-somethings.  They were just so jaded.  THEY were the people who loved the movie “Cocktail” and hated everything else.  Their entire world view was upside down.  Which makes sense that they didn’t like “Boy Meets World (BMW)”.. right?  BMW made sense, and that world view was funny, home-spun, platonic, simple, and pleasant.  Since those people thought that was “weird” (when we all thought it was normal), it makes sense.  It’s okay, we didn’t need them to like our show, we were fine by ourselves!

The Characters:

I’m not going to give you a run down of the character profiles.  If you’re reading this, you’ve seen the shows, and you remember the characters.  if you haven’t seen the show, seriously, you’re 10 years old, stop reading this!

What I’m going to do, is tell you what I like & what I didn’t like [if anything] about them.  And maybe I’ll give you my favorite memory, or scene from that person.

Corey

Let’s start off with the “star” of the show, get him out of the way.  Corey (or Cory, whatever) is played by Ben Savage, the baby brother of Fred Savage, who we all watched grow up on T.V.  in the Wonder Years.  And we caught a pivotal period of time for Ben too.  I think the show started when he was in the 3rd or 4th grade, and we followed him into college.. we covered a lot. 

His character was kind of dorky, slightly neurotic the way Ben Stiller was in “Along Came Polly”, but he was cool.  I’m sure a lot of people related to him in some of the episodes.  How can you not relate to a guy who looks like this:

Jew-Fro, and all!

The most memorable scene he was in, for me anyways was when he was in college, rooming with Sean, his BFF, and there was a rubber band on the door.  I think we all know what that means.  Sean had just broken up with Angela, and Cory met up with her outside of the door.  He started pulling on the rubber band, and Angela said “Cory, you don’t have to do that”, and Cory responded by saying: “That’s very kind of you, but this body doesn’t just happen!”

He was reliable, trustworthy, honest, and kind.  And a lot of kids my age, back then, looked up to him.  But c’mon, all the guys wanted to be a little like…

Shawn Hunter

He was the cooler, more charismatic, disturbed “bad-boy” that all the ladies wanted.  He had everything.  A leather jacket, a best friend who would do anything for him, girls swooning for him, and his real life name is Rider Strong.  RIDER, FRIGGIN’, STRONG!  Who can forget a name like that, and an even better point is, who doesn’t go into the adult film industry with it?  You don’t even need a stage name.  Oh well, I guess Mr. Strong is a little more humble and down-to-earth than I give him credit for.

Cassanova in the 1990's. Where are you now, my friend?

He was funny, he dressed in drag in one episode, and was just dysfunctional enough to make you praise the Lord above for your own family.  no matter how crazy you thought they were/are.

My most memorable scene with Shawn Hunter was when his father was talking to Cory’s parents on speaker phone and he was taking off to go look for Shawn’s mom after she had ran out on them.  He wanted the Matthews’ to look after Shawn, and the Matthews’ said they would talk to Shawn about it.  The dad responded by saying: “You don’t have to.. one thing about my boy Shawn is that when someone’s talkin’ ’bout him, he’s usually right there.”  The camera panned out, and there he was, standing in the stairway.  It was pretty badass.

He was suave, troubled, successful, a little bit of a slob, and overall he was the man.  Sometimes his jokes seemed a little forced, but it may have just been bad writing.  no big deal, Rider sure pulled that character off.  He definitely wasn’t as funny as…

Eric Matthews

Now HE rocked.  He was eccentric, goofy, but made his own way through the world.  He had an innocent personality, and I’d put some dollars on him getting more ladies than Shawn.  Remember the episode when Frankie and the other bully wanted someone to emulate, so they clung to Eric?  That was good T.V. right there.  Eric was like Zack Morris on Saved By The Bell, but on a totally different level.  Zack was a little more conniving, whereas Eric was just stupid enough to be relate-able to.  I loved his character.  I didn’t want to be him as much as I wanted to be around him.  I wanted a dude in my life that acted as off-the-wall as he did.

I'd chill with him.

He was the man.  The most memorable scene he was in was every scene he was in.  He showed up, stole the show, then left.  Nothing was forced, nothing was awkward, everything was awesome.  But let’s be honest, none of the characters held a candle to

Topanga Lawrence

AMIRITE!

Wow.  Who didn’t have a crush on Topanga?  She was loyal, honest, trustworthy, faithful, and super-duper hott!  Whew, I need a drink of water.  Can you blame me though?  Seriously?

I've never wanted to be a football jersey more in my life.

Honestly, can you blame me?  I don’t know what else to say about her.  Her character was lovely, she built beautiful relationships with everyone on the set, and she had wonderful chemistry with everyone!  She was what I wanted in a girlfriend.  Well, I wanted HER as a girlfriend, but I’d settle for a girl similar to her.  You know what I mean!!1

The most memorable scene was when she put the pants on in her relationship with Cory and asked him to marry her at their high-school graduation.  That rocked.  I also liked when Cory was having an altercation with someone else, and Topanga was standing right there, and Cory blurted something out that was a tiny bit offensive, and then turned away and pointed at the other character and yelled “GET’EM, TOPANGA!!!” in a really raspy voice.  That was hilarious.  All guys have been there, you have a problem with someone and don’t want to deal with it directly, send your girlfriend.  I’ve done it.  As a matter of fact, I did it a few days ago.

——–

I know there were more characters on the show.  I don’t want to do them all in one article though.  The Matthews’, Minkus, and who could forget Mr. Feeny?  I’m going to leave you all pondering that, and looking forward to a tribute to Mr. Feeny sometime in the near future.  I’m also going to leave you with this:

Ms. Fishel.. call me sometime!

*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  Images obtained through Google Image Search.*

NEW SEGMENT! Top 10 Tuesdays

Posted in Girlfriends, Retro, Video Game on November 17, 2010 by Divide By Zero

I’ve been thinking about this idea for a while, and I’ve finally gotten a lot of stuff organized.  I wanted to wait until I was sure I’d be able to handle the workload, and have enough material to keep it going for a while.  But here it is, in my Top 10 Tuesdays segments, I’m going to pick different scenarios and tell you what I think the Top 10 video games to play in that situation are.  I’m doing it on Tuesdays because it’ll be a nice supplement to Nerdy Mondays, which focuses mostly on old video games anyways.  Sometimes the list will not go all the way up to 10, and sometimes it will go way past it, but I’m just going to stick with Top 10 for the title.  Anyways, this week’s category is!!!

The Top 10 Video Games to Play While Your Girlfriend is Mad at You:

That’s right.  We’ve all been there, right guys?  Your girlfriend is upset with you because you’re spending too much time on your XBox, or not listening, or something.  Whatever it is she’s whining about can be solved through playing video games and making random vague comments that allude to both the video game you’re playing, AND the situation you’re in with your lady friend. Let’s start it off with…

#10. Super Mario Brothers 3


Reason: Simplicity.

This game is a personal favorite of mine, a milestone in the video game world, and an always true favorite of retro gamers.  Right after the fight has commenced, and your girlfriend is cleaning (or whatever her vice is when she’s mad) or talking on the phone, you start off by playing this game.  It’s simple, it’s fun, it’s easy, but it’s still challenging even 25 years later.  Your best bet is to play and whip through the levels/worlds as fast as possible.  Forget about the stars, the coins, and the points.  Unless it’s the whistle, you don’t need it.  All the while have a blank stare on your face and every once in a while (usually after you beat a level) randomly utter some phrases like: “Man, I wish everything in life were this simple.” or “This reminds me of a simpler time.” or [so I’ve heard] a really popular one “I was just a kid when this came out, before I met you, when I was happy.”

Okay that last one might be a little mean, but it depends on what you’re fighting about.

Girlfriends Anger Level This is Best For (GALTIBF): Between a 5 and a 7.

#9. Frogger


Reason: Simplicity/Enjoyment

This game can be pulled out in any situation Mario 3 can.  It’s in the same category, same skill level, same nostalgic value, and most importantly the same phrases apply.  This one also comes with bonus phrases like: “You never notice how things that are so simple can be so difficult at times, like crossing a road.”  That will make your girlfriend analyze what you’re fighting about and help her realize that (if applicable) she’s turning mole hills into mountains.. but play around with it.  You will know the situation best, so be creative.

GALTIBF: Same as Mario 3, but with a few minor tweaks.

#8.  Fable 2


Reason: Fantasy/Make Believe

This is a good one to play for when you’ve been fighting for what seems like days.  You take a break, walk away and just drift off into the world of Fable 2.  You can run around and take out a few characters to get your stress level down to a rate your blood pressure can handle.  After that, should your girlfriend come walking into the room and sit down to watch you play… Okay, she’s not sitting down to watch you play, she’s coming in the same room with you to bring tension with her and see how you react.  She wants you to know she’s mad, and you’re the reason why.  Should that happen though, you don’t need to utter any phrases really.  That’s when you turn on the charm, and start earning those angelic points hardcore.  It will make her see that you’ve done wrong in the past, but are willing to try to be more understanding and overall a better person so that maybe this fight won’t happen again.  It will speak a lot about your character, but do not verbalize anything!  It will underline the fact that you’re the “strong silent type”.

GALTIBF: You forgetting to take out the trash, leaving a towel on the floor, not wiping up the counter, or leaving the toilet seat up.

#7.  Project Gotham Racing


Reason:  There is a clear goal in mind.  There is a physical finish line.

When that fight from above happens again, you pull out this game.  Because God knows that you leave the toilet seat up all the time, and you’re not about to change that!  This time though, You play Project Gotham.  This isn’t for show, or to brag about how good of a person you are to her, but more so just for your own personal gains.  You need a little realism to counter-balance her psycho-womanish-ness.  Racing games are always good for this because you know where the finish line is, you are able to see the goal.  There is a clear objective.  You just have to be the first one across it.  It’s an allegory for the fight you are in with the g-friend.  Even if there are only 2 racers, you don’t win unless you cross the line first.  Trust me, this will put you at peace.

GALTIBF: (Leaving the toilet seat up

#6.  Forza


Reason: Clear goal/objective

This is by far one of my most favorite, and arguably one of the best racing games out there.  This is to be used only when Project Gotham won’t work… nobody needs those “kudos” points anyways.  Stupid guardrails. Some of the phrases that are good for either of these games are “There it is!  I can see it!  I know what I need to do!”  Get it?

GALTIBF: Procrastination, letting the dog poop on the carpet, waiting for her to clean it up.

#5.  Grand Theft Auto III/San Andreas


Reason: Free Range Mode

This is the game you pull out when you’re fighting with your girl and it’s over how much time you have spent together.  Sometimes you guys get way too clingy and just need a few minutes apart.  This is where GTA comes in.  If you’re like me, you have a few PS2 memory cards lying around with a pretty decent games saved on there.  One of which should definitely be for GTA.  These games give you the freedom to run around and accomplish missions or play levels when you feel like it.  Or you could just roam around shooting people and stealing cars.  Phrases to use: “Can I go up here?  Of course I can I can go wherever I want!”, “What should I do now, there are so many options!”  You get the idea.

GALTIBF: When she gets mad at anything on facebook, when you come home drunk, or when you pee yourself (all 3 of those can happen at the same time these days).

#4.  Need For Speed Underground 2


Reason: Free Range Mode

I know the GTA franchise kind of combines the racing genre with the FPS/shoot’em ups, but this racing game has to be one that everyone finds pretty badass.  It has the free range mode where you can just drive around aimlessly and use the same phrases as you would use for GTA.  Or you can race so you can have that clear goal in mind… sometimes it’ll help you straighten out your thoughts and make you wonder if what you’re fighting about is really worth it or not.

GALTIBF: Also coming home drunk, or smelling like a bar, or saying something stupid to her mom, or making one of her friends, so something like an 7 or an 8 on the 1-10 scale.

#3.  Halo 2


Reason: Strategy/Energy/To get Riled up

If you’re having one of those fights most guys refer to as a “Barn-Burner” or are having it “All-Out”, and she has to step out for a few minutes, this is the game to play.  You throw on some Drowning Pool, Children of Bodom, or Gwar on a nearby CD player, and you are good to go.  You can play it on Legendary and kill a bunch of aliens, just to get you pumped for all the low punches you’re going to be pulling when she gets back, or you can play on easy to help you get your head together.  Either way, it’s a massive game with tons of possibilities to let your mind wander, or help you psyche yourself out.

GALTIBF: When you spent too much money, lost at poker, have been playing video games too often, or the famous “you never take me out anymore”.

#2 Any Call of Duty


Reason: Same as for Halo 2

Just repeat everything I said for Halo 2, but this one is set in real life, so you have to take your own preference.  Personally I like Halo 2, I’ve spent more time on it though, and Call of Duty has the same effect for most of the advanced levels.  You need to just pick which one is closest to you because the g-friend may only be gone for a few minutes!

GALTIBF: Thinks you’re cheating on her.

And the winner: #1.  Halo


 

Really you can do this with any Halo, but seriously this is for when it gets really bad between you 2.  This is for when you get to the point where you say “SCREW IT AND SCREW YOU, I’M INVITING THE GUYS OVER!”  Original XBoxes now go for about $30, you’ll need 4.  The Controllers go for anywhere between $5 & $10, you’re going to need 16.  Copies of Halo also go for $10, get 4 of them.  Oh and you’ll need 4 t.v.’s, and a hub.  Hook all that stuff up, invite 15 of your friends over and you play multiplayer Halo.  Who cares why you’re fighting anymore?  The guys are over, and they’re here to have some fun!  Who’s going to show them how to party?  You are, my man.  Phrases to use: “Screw her, dude.”, “Brah, pass me another brewski.”, and “STOP LOOKIN’ AT MY SCREEN!”

GALTIBF: For when it gets pants-crappingly horrible.
*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  Obtained from google image search.*