Archive for the movies Category

Nerdy Monday 22: EuroTrip (2004)

Posted in 2000's, Alcohol Involved, Modern, movies, Nerdy Monday on April 6, 2011 by Divide By Zero

Did you finish your homework?  I hope you did, otherwise I’m about to make a bunch of really funny things, less funny by telling them to you second-hand.  It is my conjecture that EuroTrip, which I will [obviously] get more into detail about, in a minute, might be the funniest movie… possibly of all time.  Here are 12 reasons why:

#12.  Burt, the younger brother.


Ever at the ready with his video camera, or the record button, this weirdly funny little brat has quips at the right moments, witty remarks, and just the right combination of cockyness/intelligence/attitude to make him one of the most underrated characters of all time.  I think he had less than 5 minutes of actual screen time, and there weren’t even any cut scenes with him in the bonus features of my DVD.  BUT[!]  if it weren’t for that little bastard going through his big brother –Scotty’s– e-mail, there would have been no reason for the whole movie to happen.  Burt is the one who pointed out to Scotty that his German pen-pal was actually female.. and a very attractive one at that.  Thus; no Burt, no movie.  It’s sad in a way, really.

11.  Matt Damon as an extra

Matt Damon, the only A-lister to be in this movie, and he gets about 30 seconds of screen time total.  It’s pretty cool to see all these other talented yet unknown actors upstage Good Will Hunting.  Mr. Damon plays sort of a pivotal role in the film as he is credited with being the guy Scotty’s girlfriend (pictured above with Damon) cheated on him with.  I don’t know why Scotty, the main character got so upset.  There are tons of girls out there that qould leave their boyfriend/fiance/husband/baby’s daddy for Matt Damon.  Damon also is credited (on screen) with coming up with one of the jokes that carries throughout the entire movie, which is…

10.  Scotty Doesn’t Know (song title)

I should mention here that when this movie was brand new, before iTunes was popular or anything, I went out and bought the entire soundtrack to this movie on CD.  It was just that good.  But there is one catch to that, the song Scotty Doesn’t Know was by far the most popular song on there, and everyone in my high-school knew all the words to it.  It would play at parties, school events, study-sessions, or any other place that warranted music in the background.  It was (and is) just an awesome song that is very, very catchy.  Whoever wrote that for the movie deserves a Grammy.  Or an Oscar for best music in the history of ever.

9.  “Mike”

She’s really the entire reason for the movie altogether.  Her name is pronounced “Mee-Kah”.  Not Mike.  Even though it’s spelled “Mike”.  Man, Germans are weird.  The only disturbing part of her is that there is an incestuous reference between her and her cousin Jan–That’s a guys name–at one point, but it ends up being a day-nightmare (daymare?) imagined by Scotty while he’s on his way to see her.  I didn’t catch that until about the 14th time I watched it, and I wish I never had realized it.
8.  The Hitler Boy

I can’t even explain this one to you.  Supposedly this is Mike’s little brother, and he’s in the background doing… Hitler stuff.  Hilarious.  Let’s watch!

Everything they were talking about in that scene had everything to do with the plot, but no one in the movie theatre I saw this movie at heard it… we were all too busy laughing so hard we were crying.  Good stuff.

7.  The Infamous Robot Fight

I’m pretty sure for most of the people out there reading this, if you hadn’t seen the movie, you’ve already seen this scene.  It’s been floating around Youtube since Youtube was invented.  I know I’ve received it in a few chain e-mails.  But it’s worth multiple viewings:

Best.  Robot.  Fight scene.  EVER!!!!1

6.  Michelle Trachtenberg

Remember her?

Some of the younger kids out there solely know her from this movie.  Others remember her when she starred alongside Rosie O’Donnell in the Nickelodeon film Harriet the Spy. That’s right, she was Harriet, and she was a spy.  She was also Nona F. Mecklenberg in the insanely popular Nickelodeon kids show The Adventures of Pete & Pete. Side note: she’s hott.  She’s funny, she’s pretty, and she does a great job in this movie.  Not to mention she is one of the reasons why everything gets wrapped up by the end of it, ensuring us that we won’t be disappointed by a sequel to this awesomtacular movie.  That’s right, I had to make up a word to describe it.

5.  The Creepy Foreign guy on the Train.

That guy, to me, is more terrifying than any of the foreign dudes in the Hostel movies.  I would hate to be touched the way he touches people.  It makes my skin crawl.  None the less, he played a randomly funny role in EuroTrip.  Just when you think there are no more hi-jinks or shenanigans that can happen to this rag-tag bunch of American travelers.  One of them almost gets molested on the train in every tunnel they go through.  By this guy.  Look at him.  That’s a rapists mustache if I’ve ever seen one.

4.  “Worst Twins Ever”.

Another running joke in this movie is the fact that these twins don’t know a whole lot about each other, are completely different, and just overall… are the worst twins ever.  At the beginning of the movie, they’re all at a graduation party, and the guy (Jamie) get’s the girl (Jenny) a Gin & Tonic.  To which Jenny replies: “Why did you get me a Gin & Tonic?  I hate gin.”  A few other things happen throughout the movie, and they end up getting drunk at a bar towards the end and making out with one another by mistake.  Worst twins ever?  I’d say they’re high in the running for it.

3.  The David Hasselhoff Cameo.

For some reason, David Hasselhoff is famous all over the world for more than just Baywatch and Knight Rider.  Did you know that he has more than 5,000 hours of screen time for his entire career?  That’s ridiculous.  Also, the Germans especially love him for his musical ability.  And randomly, as Scotty is daydreaming about his German pen-pal Mike, a German song appears in his fantasy.  And it’s sung by The Hoff.  Look at the picture, that’s him in the upper right hand corner, in the little thought bubble.  Is there nothing that man can’t do?

2.  Club Vandersexxxxxx.

There’s really nothing I can say about this scene.  You just have to watch it, and as much as I’d like to put the clip up here on my site, I think it’s a little more risque than what I want to have associated with this site.  Get the movie, rent it if you have to, or netflix it, either way you won’t be disappointed when this scene rolls around.  Also, Lucy Lawless plays the Madam of a brothel.  For the younger readers out there, she was Xena: Warrior Princess.

1.  Vinnie Jones!

People overseas will know this man.  Most Americans don’t.  Let me show you:

...Would YOU mess with him?

Most Americans know him as the main “soccer hooligan” from EuroTrip, or the skinhead from Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels, or the skinhead from Snatch, or the British guy from any of a number of movies.  But I want everyone to know that before he was an actor, he was a futbol player.  Exhibit Awesome:

I could write an entire post on just this one picture.  There’s Vinnie Jones, about to insert a flying kick straight to the other guys face the moment he lands.  This is also a charity game by the way.  Read that again.  This is a CHARITY game, and Mr. Jones up there is playing for keeps!  A friend of mine who is a former Londoner, told me that Vinnie Jones used to work for the British Underground [Similar to the Mafia in America].  He actually helped re-write the scripts to the movies he was in.  Remember when he was slamming that one fat guys head in a car door?  He’s done it for real.  My friend told me also, that there was an interview on TV a few years back of another player in the national futbol league.  During which, he explained that the most intimidating player in the entire league was our own Vinnie Jones.  During the interview he said the first time he had ever met Mr. Jones, his team was about to do a corner kick, and Vinnie faced him and said: “If you even move towards that futbol, I will break your fucking legs.”  So the guy…. quite obviously…. turned into a statue, and went on to further explain: “If he told me to pick it up and put it in my own net, I would have!”  This dude rocks.  He rocks at life, and he rocks at movies, especially this movie.  He is also another reason why EuroTrip gets all wrapped up at the end.  You have to just watch it.  Just go ahead and watch it if you haven’t already!  Haven’t I given you enough reasons to?

 

See you anywhere but pissing off Vinnie Jones.

The Jester.

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Top 10 Tuesdays 15: Movies to Watch…

Posted in movies, Top 10 Tuesdays on March 8, 2011 by Divide By Zero

 

I figured I’d do things a little different this week for my Top 10 list.  If you’ve noticed with my Nerdy Monday posts, I’ve been reviewing some of the strong points of some of my favorite movies.  I’m trying to break up my usual routine of reviewing video games that have been around for ages, as well as to not bore you guys (my readers).  Also, I play video games more than most people would deem necessary, or even healthy, anyways.  That brings us to this weeks Top 10 Tuesdays:

Top 10 Movies to watch when you don’t feel like playing video games.

#10.  Clerks II  (2006)

For me, this was an instant classic.  Brought to us by the very talented Kevin Smith, it is hilarious.  It’s perfect if you’re looking for a movie you don’t really have to pay attention to, to enjoy.  But the more you pay attention, the more you will laugh.  So order a pizza, turn off the Atari, and pop this movie in.  You don’t even have to see the first one to understand/enjoy it.

#9.  Goodfellas  (1990)

There’s never really a bad time to watch this one.  I can understand how not everyone who likes movies, likes The Godfather (even though it is one of the best movies of all time).  The Godfather is long, it’s drawn out, it makes you pay attention, and those daggone Italians are just weird!  Goodfellas however is in the same vein as The Godfather, but it’s more modernized, and instead of showing what a mafia family looks like from the inside looking out (like the Godfather), it shows what a mafia family looks like from the outside looking in.  Which I believe makes it easier to understand.  Even if you don’t like mafia movies, you’ll like this movie.  So unplug the Nintendo, grab some popcorn and give it a watch.

#8.  Waiting  (2005)

Perfect for anyone who has ever worked in a restaurant… or eaten in one for that matter.  Ryan Reynolds and Justin Long have excellent play, off of one another.  And Dane cook is in there as an EXTRA, before he became world famous.  He has like 2 lines and I find it hilarious that when Comedy Central advertises it, they throw in Dane Cook’s name.  Yeah, I’m not even sure if he’s credited for the role… he’s just sort of there.  Put down the Sega Genesis controller and get ready to laugh and/or be a little disgusted after watching this one.

#7.  Wedding Crashers  (2005)


What can I say about this movie?  Hilarious, great, inspiring, awespiring, and super-duper don’t even begin to describe it.  I guarantee you that this movie was responsible for about 10,000 weddings across the country being crashed back in 2005/2006/2007.  And that’s just low-balling it.  The way Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn have their back-and-forth scenes, never gets old.  Christopher Walken is amazing.. it’s really one of his better roles, and I’m not certain but I think this launched Bradley Cooper’s career (He’s one of the dudes from the Hangover).  Great movie, Push the N64 out of the way, kick your feet up and enjoy.

#6.  Without A Paddle  (2004)


This movie, I don’t think a lot of people know about it.  It was from before Seth Green came out with the whole Robot Chicken fandango, and it was right on the cusp of him becoming as famous as he is today.  It also features one of my most favorite actors, Matthew Lillard.  He is an underrated guy, and insanely funny.  Just his whole persona with the don’t-really-care-about-this attitude make just about anything funny.  Dax Shepard is also in it, and completes the trifecta of awesomeness that is Without A Paddle.  A hilarious albeit relatively unknown movie that deserves more attention than your Dreamcast does.

#5.  Fight Club  (1999)

Wow, really?  I put this movie on the list?  I have to pay attention to what I write down the night before.  This movie is just flat out awesome.  It’s in a league of its own.  It’s incredible, and deserves at least one viewing by anyone.  You will want to watch it more than once after you see the ending for the first time and SPOILER ALERT! find out that Brad Pitt’s character is a figment of Edward Norton’s imagination.  The perfect substitution for playing anything on Sega Saturn.. check it out and tell me if I’m wrong.

#4.  The Boondock Saints  (1999)


The first time I watched this movie, I watched it 4 times in a row.  I love everything about it.. the writing, the complexity, the characters, the actors, the setup, the plot.  It is the perfect “guys movie” — and in fact there have been more than one of my guy friends that have told me if they were to ever cheat on their girlfriends/wives.. it would be with this movie.  I can’t explain to you how awesome this movie is.  What is it with 1999 and making badass movies?  Way better than anything on your Game Boy.

#3.  Batman  (1989)


I usually try to let my own personal bias into these lists I make, but this one is a given.  Batman is the greatest superhero of all time.. and Jack Nicholson does a great performance as the joker.  There was a perfect showdown between good and evil in this movie.  It wasn’t overblown, it wasn’t overcomplicated, it wasn’t over- or under- anything.  It was an elegantly done performance by both actors and by the entire supporting cast.  Because of this movie, I often wonder how the whole Batman movie franchise would have turned out if Tim Burton had stayed on as the director for all of them.  Ah well, that’s just wishful thinking.  Put down your XBox controller– throw it across the room even.  Do it now, thank me later.

#2.  Christmas Vacation  (1989)


If you haven’t seen this movie, then you just need to excuse yourself from the computer right now, go to the bathroom, look at yourself in the mirror, and punch yourself in the face.  G’head.. I’ll wait.

Okay good.  This movie is a guilty pleasure of mine and gets watched at the very least once a year.  It’s great, it’s Christmasy, and it’s just.. great.

The Winner and #1 this week.  Eurotrip  (2004)

 
Quite possibly one of the funniest movies of all time.  This is your homework before you read my next Nerdy Monday’s article:  If you haven’t watched this movie, go watch it.  If you have watched this movie, watch it again.  More to come on this one.

 

Honorable Mentions:

  • A Murder of Crows
  • Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze
  • Ready to Rumble

See you at the Blockbuster.

The Jester.

 

*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.*

Nerdy Monday 21: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Posted in 1980's, 2000's, Modern, movies, Nerdy Monday, Robots, Transformers on March 8, 2011 by Divide By Zero

Ok, so there are some (or a lot) of people out there that don’t enjoy Michael Bay’s sequel to his own Transformers installment.  I don’t understand why!

Have you seen it? It was only, awesome.

I don’t know why people have become so jaded by watching movies.  This film not only brought back a lot of the elements set up in the first film, grazed upon some of the characteristics of the old T.V. show/comic books, but added to the storyline.  The same way Batman Begins added to the Batman storyline.

It’s easy to point out the bad things about a film that changes what we know and love from our childhood, but let’s look at some of the good things:

  • Devistator.  The ginormous Constructicon (that’s nerd lingo for more than one Transformer combining to make one Autonomous Robot) at the end of the movie built on the old Constructicons.  Back in the 1980’s it blew our mind when there were 2 trucks, or a truck and a helicopter or 2 of whatever transformed to combine one big robot.  Remember that on Saturday mornings?  TWO OF THEM!?  WHAAAAAAT????!!1 *KABLOOEY* that’s when our heads exploded all over the T.V. screen.  And Devistator… what were there about a dozen (?) or so different pieces of construction equipment that formed him?  People thought that was “too unrealistic” to be in the movie.  Are.  You.  Serious?  Like Optimus Prime doing his thing is really going to happen, but Devistator… that’s WAY too far fetched.  Dorks.

It took a team of Cal Tech doctors and one surgeon on acid to engineer this toy.

  • Soundwave.  How awesome did he look when he was connecting to that satellite in outer-freakin’-space?!  The only complaint I have about Soundwave is that I don’t think he got enough screen time.  But the point is Soundwave used to be a cassette recorder.. now he’s hooking into government satellites and intercepting intel from all over the world.  That’s something new and fresh that probably wasn’t even conceivable back when we were watching Ravage come out of Soundwave’s chest as a cassette tape.  C’mon now!

Definitely not what we grew up with.

  • Sector 7.  I’m not sure about this one, but I’m pretty sure that Secotr 7 made it’s debut in Transformers (2007).  John Turturro’s character as one of the S7 agents was a little eccentric and was the main source of comic relief in that movie.  I am very glad that his character was brough back in Revenge of the Fallen (ROTF).  I know a lot of people were disappointed at that, but why?  He gave a lot of relevant information to the plot AND added the some comic relief to ROTF.  I’ve even heard rumors that Michael Bay has done away with this character.  A big pee-soaked thank you goes out to all of you fair weather Transformers fans who have nothing to do but complain.  You non-appreciative disappointment-bags!

He means business. Funny business.

  • Sam Witwicky containing all the knowledge of the All Spark.  In all my extensive research (read: about 5 minutes of Googling) I haven’t come across this happening before ROTF.  I think it was a cool twist.  A lot of people didn’t agree with this concept, but think about how much sense it makes.  Anyone who has had a high school science class SHOULD know that energy can never be created nor destroyed, it can only change forms.  Since the All Spark is “pure energy” as mentioned countless times throughout all forms of the Transformers, it can’t be destroyed, right?  Therefore, since Sam had so much physical contact with the All Spark in the 2007 movie.. as well as being the one that pushed it into Megatron’s chest to “destroy” it… the energy contained really had nowhere else to go but into Sam.  Not so far fetched now, is it, critics?

This kid holds all the information and energy of the universe. He looks like it, doesn't he?

Those are the main arguments I’ve read on the internet and heard from other movie goers.  There are dozens more, but I really don’t have the energy to go through everything.. this article would be 50 pages long.

The bottom line is that Transformers (2007) was a huge accomplishment in the Transformers Franchise.  Therefore ROTF had some pretty big shoes to fill.  I’m not saying that ROTF was better than the 2007 movie.  Nor am I saying it was better than the old show, or the comics.  But I tell you what, it wasn’t WORSE!  And with all of that “disappointment” ROTF was surrounded by, let’s look at the other movies that came out the same month ROTF was released:

  • Land of the Lost
  • My Life in Ruins
  • Tennessee
  • Imagine That
  • The Taking of Pelham 123
  • The Proposal
  • Year One
  • My Sister’s Keeper

Is anyone talking about those movies anymore?  Look on your DVD shelf, do you own any of these movies?  Who was even IN those movies?  Of all the movies on that list, I’ve only seen one.  One single movie: Pelham 123.  It was okay.  It didn’t hold a candle to “Michael Bay’s excretion called ‘ROTF'” though.

All in all, I can’t wait for the next installment to be released.  I can’t wait to see what else Michael Bay’s Transformers franchise adds to the storyline.

Quit whining about all the things that “don’t add up” in a movie, and appreciate it for what it is.

Pictured: most of the people complaining about ROTF.

See you at the concession stand.

The Jester.

 

*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.*

Nerdy Monday 20: Transformers (2007)

Posted in 1980's, 2000's, Family, Modern, movies, Retro, Robots, T.V. shows, Transformers on February 25, 2011 by Divide By Zero

I’ve been thinking about how to set up this nerdy Monday post for a while now.  I batted it around, chewed it up, all that jazz, but I think I’m just going to dive right in.

I’m going to be talking about the first Transformers move directed by Michael Bay.  Before the movie came out in 2007, the only other Transformers movie there was, was the full-length animated 1984 installment entitled Transformers: The Movie.

I remember the opening day of the movie.  I went to the midnight sneak preview of the movie here in town.  And let me just be clear about this, in my small corner of the world, movie theatres are never ever at risk of selling every seat in the house.  But this night, it was a packed house.  I had to get there more than an hour early to get a mediocre seat.  I don’t know how to explain it, but in the theatre that night, the air was electric.  Everyone was dressed up somehow in a Transformer’s tee-shirt, a few of them brought some action figures, one guy had boots on that looked like Optimus Prime’s feet!

I remember vividly the shock and awe, and the uncontrollable yelling and applause when Optimus first came on the screen.  I remember the same thing happening when all the transformers, and the 2 main characters of the movie gathered in that alley and all of the Transformers started changing into their robot-form.  It looked awesome, it looked detailed, and it looked like it could be real.  It could have been happening right in front of us in real life, and we (the audience)  couldn’t be more excited!

As I looked around the room, I noticed that everyone was right around my age.  I was born less than one year after the pilot episode of the Transformers aired.  So I literally grew up with all the characters from that show.  I wish I still had all of the toys, comic books, and VHS tapes I recorded the show onto.  It would be a treasure trove of awesome nostalgic memorabilia.  And we all (I know I was) had been waiting for this movie to be made for a long time.

That same feeling came back to me when that movie was released on DVD/Blu-Ray and put on the Wal-Mart shelves.  Again, I showed up at midnight, and waited eagerly for the stock boy to bring the palate jack out with the Transformers movie display on it.  I waited along side 2 or 3 dozen other people all wearing Transformers shirts.. and the guy with the Optimus boots was there too.  It was odd, I know, but it’s the truth.

Michael Bay is looked down upon by a few critics, but I think he did an awesome job with this movie.  He knew how sentimental the fan base was, and did not disappoint.  I don’t care that everyone says he has too many explosions in his movies.  Or how he has too many jump-cuts to different scenes, or the whole Armageddon fiasco he was made fun of for.  He took the Transformers and made something cool, even cooler.  Bay even received an award from the man who created the Transformers AND the CEO of Hasbro (the company that makes/licenses the Transformer toys) for being humble, noble, and staying true to the morals upheld By the Transformers.  Yes, he was that serious.  [If you bought the special edition DVD with the bonus features on it, you’d know that already].

So not only did this pretty much make Michael Bay a pop culture icon, as well as a household name, it launched Megan Fox’s career.

Thank you Transformers. And Michael Bay.

 

Sure she’s done some crappy movies in between the filming of the Transformers/Bay movie franchise.  Seriously, what was that whole Jennifer’s Body supposed to be?  But no one is watching her for.. well, I think we all know what people watch her movies for.

Shia Lebeouf is also in the movie, he’s the star, or something.  I don’t know, I think the people who did the voices of the robots should have been cast about Shia.  Don’t get me wrong, I like Shia.. I actually watched him back in the day when he was on the Disney Channel show, Even Stevens. I think he’s hilarious!  It just seemed a little off to me when he was cast as Sam Witwicky in Transformers, only because it’s a more dramatic role.  It was different at first, and he did an okay job.  I think he developed his character towards the end of the first movie.  He just seemed more comfortable in the role, and it showed.

Who knew this kid would grow into his nose and be the guy a new generation of Transformer fans would want to be.

Oh and he made out with Megan Fox!

Overall, I am very pleased with the way these movies are unfolding.  And the next one is being filmed in Washington D.C.!  That’s my old stomping grounds!  I was born and raised not too far from there.  It sucks that they had an on set accident with one of the BumbleBee cars:

But with all the money involved in this franchise, I’m sure they have more than one of everything.

This movie is overly satisfying, nostalgic, clever, and just plain old awesome.  It’s funny in the right spots, and very reminiscent of the old cartoons/comics.  The only thing that irked me a little bit, was that GM plugged an entire line of cars to be used for the movies.  I think they could have diversified the line up a little, just to make it more exciting.  But I have to give them credit for making BumbleBee a Camaro, because in the old cartoons he was a VW Beetle.  Or more commonly referred to as “the bug”.  I can see how that’s a cool play on words, but for real, no one today would think of BumbleBee as an intimidating “Guardian” alien robot as a Bug.

Pictured: Definitely not a badass intimidating Guardian alien robot with a heard of gold.

I can’t wait for the next one to come out.

Fun Fact #1:  Did you know the voice of Megatron was the same guy who played Agent Smith in the Matrix movies?

Fun Fact #2:  And the guy who did the voice of Jazz (The Pontiac Solstice) is the guy who played Eddie Winslow (Steve Urkel’s friend) in Family Matters?

That’s it for now, see you in the ticket line for the next installment.

The Jester.

 

*All images and videos are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Search.  All images obtained through Youtube.com Search.*

 

Top 10 Tuesdays 12: Vids to play instead of watching Twilight

Posted in 2000's, Cinemassacre/James Rolfe, Dreamcast (Long Live the...!), Fan Mail, Modern, movies, Twilight on February 10, 2011 by Divide By Zero

This is my first official fan suggested Top 10 Tuesday!  Thank you goes out to Ashleigh  from Ft. Lauderdale.  I know right!  It’s awesome to think that the only girl on the face of the planet that doesn’t like that God-awful saga, is a “humongus [sic] fan of [my] site :):):):):):)!!!”  Very awesome to know.  Work on your spelling and grammar, and calm down a little bit on the emoticons a tad bit, Ashleigh, and I might let you come back more often.

Down to business!  As Ashleigh and I can attest, there’s not too many situations worse than watching any of the Twilight movies.  Well there are, let me see if I can think of some…

Being forced to watch one of those movies.  The bubonic plague was pretty bad, I’m pretty sure watching Twilight is worse than that though.  Having a friend who is all over everything about Twilight.. you just know those kids are going to grow up wrong, in some way/shape/form.  Seriously.. teams?!  There are flocks of girls that chose sides of the movie.  They want to be Bella, and they either want to hook up with a vampire or a werewolf.  Hmm, necrophilia or beastiality.. which one should I pick?  Get outta here with that!  NOT ON MY BLOG!  NOT TODAY PEOPLE!

That brings us to…

The Top 10 Video Games to Play Instead of watching Twilight

I don’t even know why I’m making a “top 10” about this.  I should just say.. All of them.  Every video game ever created, thought of, or fan-made.  Playing any video game is better than suffering through any of those 2 hour (+/-) let-downs.  BUT.  Since this is Top 10 Tuesday, here we go…

#10.  Top Gun  (NES)

Ah yes, this old jewel.  The horrible game based off of a pretty bad movie.  Who else saw this movie and thought that the only good part of it was the very last scene, right before Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer looked like they were about to make out?  And in this game… try landing your plane on that air craft carrier.  You almost have to be a pilot in real life to get that right.  Horrible game.  Better than Twilight.

#9.  Shaq-Fu  (SNES/Genesis)

How do you capitalize on a mediocre basketball franchise name?  With a disappointing game kids will yell and scream for, and then after they get home, they will yell and scream because of the terribleness they just experienced.  This game is so terrible, there was actually a website dedicated to finding and destroying every copy of this game in existence.  Terrible game.  Still better than watching Twilight.

#8.  ANY game released on the Nintendo Virtual Boy  (VB)

It’s hanging it’s head in shame. It knows how bad it is.

This system is the epitome of a flop in the video game world.  It was so bad, it was discontinued (AKA killed) in less than a year after it’s release.  The entire library of video games can be held in one hand.  I think there are only 11 or 12 games total, and they’re about the size of original game boy games.  Almost without exception, there is NO virtual reality involved with any of the games.  The name of the system is Virtual Boy.  And there’s no virtual reality.  Here is a picture of me after that sinks in:

My mind was blown. Is what I'm saying.

Crap-tastic.  Even so! Better than Twilight.

#7.  Rambo  (NES)

You know that feeling you get when you pick your nose, and you slowly pull out that one big juicy booger that’s hooked into your fingernail?  You know what I’m talking about… the one booger that’s really long and feels like it’s suction-cupped to the base of your brain?  This game is a playable version of that feeling.  It makes you cringe, your eyes water, and the only way to describe it is just… agony.  Unnecessary agony.  Kind of like Twilight.  Except it’s a lot better than Twilight.

#6.  Little Red Hood  (NES)

I can’t even begin to explain how unfortunate and appalling this game is.  Let me let a professional explain this one.

http://screwattack.com/videos/AVGN-Little-Red-Hood

That video is definitely worth a watch or three.  Check out how atrocious it is (*whispers* still better than Twilight).

#5.  Seaman  (Dreamcast)

What is going on here?  Piss-poor, NEXT!  Twilight is actually starting to look pretty good.  Wait, what did I just say?  Maybe this list is getting too long.  Ugh, let’s see what else is scraping the bottom of the crap bucket.

#4, #3, #2, #1, and the WINNER!  Everything on the Atari Jaguar.

In my opinion, this system is worse than the virtual boy.  In fact, I’d take the eye strain and potential seizures the virtual boy induces over the masterpiece of God-awfulness this thing puts on the screen.  I’ve actually wanted to own one of these systems just for novelty-sake, and I can’t bring myself to spend around $120 on a system that was only on the market for a day and a half, or whatever.  It was released and the entire program was shut down in half as much time as the virtual boy.  Every game on here is rotten to the core.  They’re hideous beyond belief.  They are obnoxious, dreadful, abhorrent abominations that need to be burned, buried, pee’d on, and forgotten.  With that being said, I will STILL take 2 hours of Cybermorph over sitting through an entire loathesome installment of the Twilight saga.

Whew, that was a lot.  But, it needed to be said.  I’m glad I was the one to say it.

The Jester.

[Please send all hate mail or bashing of my post to delorganization@gmail.com.  I will promptly ignore it.  Good day.]

*All images are property of their respective owners and may be subject to copyright laws.  All images obtained through Google Image Search.  Also, thank you to James Rolfe/the AVGN/cinemassacre.com for the great content.*